Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy


The Perfect Gift Idea

Ah, the holiday season.  With Thanksgiving down, we're right in the thick of it.  There's a certain feeling in the cold, crisp air as classy people who only leave their homes one day a year to interact awkwardly with other humanoids come crawling out of the woodwork.  That feeling of course, is CLASS.  Some people choose to go out and weather the storm of happy, cheerful, not-at-all-stressed shoppers in an effort to buy Dad that classy character tie with the LEDs on it, or to get Mom that egg separator they've always wanted or to get junior Australian Dick Wrestling's Greatest Moments 32 on Blu-Ray.  Others will shop for Christmas presents the way God intended us to purchase presents to celebrate His son's birthday; via the power of teh Intertubes!
You can find just about anything on the Internet.  Classy gifts abound.  One struck me as the ultimate in class. What do you get the person who has everything?  Poop.  Yes, that's right.  Poop. sells chocolate in the shape of a "human-sized" dookie.  It comes in multiple flavors - milk chocolate, dark chocolate, and white chocolate.  Furthermore, you can order your pseudo-poo with nuts or butterscotch chips.  Of course, the truly classy among us would spring for the extra gourmet flavoring.  Each order appears to be shipped in a box with the chocolate turd wrapped in toilet paper and with a bottle of water (?!).  For that added touch of class, you can personalize a message to be printed on a card.  In addition to holidays, birthdays or jokes, the website also claims that the gift of poo is perfect for weddings and apologies.  What better way to let your newlywed wife know that she has correctly chosen the classiest of mates than by surprising her with a box of toilet paper and a butterscotch milk chocolate turd?
Remember kiddies; when it comes to giving, it's the thought AND the gift that counts.  Nobody wants to be gifted something they don't want, and let's face it; only the non-classiest of people will be ungrateful with edible feces in a box.

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Classy MuzaK

If you are the proprietor of a small business, it is important to consider ambiance for your patrons. A pleasing and comfortable environment will certainly make your customers feel content and at ease. They will remember their positive experience and undoubtedly return in the near future.

The easiest way to accomplish this is simply by piping in some music. Something upbeat and happy. The kind of music that makes you happy to be where you are at that exact moment in time. Make sure the music is appropriate for the business. After all, it is a reflection of you and your prospering venture.

Now a personal note:
Dear local purveyor of smut, lube, and disembodied vaginas,

The next time I am in your shop, I would prefer a different soundtrack to listen to. Mylie Fucking Cyrus is NOT the appropriate theme for choosing between the 8" silicone curved dildo with vibrating dolphin attachment and the triple ripple vibrating butt-plug. Seriously, what message are you tying to send? Who are your regular customers? I guess the parking lot full of 70's model, windowless, white Chevy vans should have been my first tip. Let it be known, my house does not have a "red dot" on it.

P.S. The cock you sold me caused prostate swelling. May want to add that info to the box.

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Classy Trunk

Car trouble is normally not a laughing matter.  With Classy Lee it is.  Ideally it is always nice to borrow a vehicle from a family member when yours is in the shop (or in Classy Lee's case, sitting broken in a friend's garage somewhere).  Keep it classy by acquiring your grandma's Ford Taurus. After all, she just had hip surgery and won't be needing motorized wheels for a little while.

Nothing says classy like cruising around in a 4-door American made (kind of) sedan that is built for safety.  Your classiness and focus on safety will lead your friends to asking you to drive to most functions.

Regardless, Classy Lee and I set out on an adventure in the 4-door safety machine to go and buy their favorite hobby, booze.  That's right, booze is a hobby.  As I walk out from the store and opens the drunk, I am appalled at the stench that emanates from within.

Danger:  "What the hell is that smell?"

Classy Lee:  "It was like that when I got it."

Danger:  "Smells like death."

Classy Lee:  "Yea it's like, Grandma did you throw your dead girlfriends in there?"

Shock and awe ensue...

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Class up a wedding photo

Weddings are a great time to get friends together.  Open bar, great music and some fun dancing is the recipe for a successful night.  There is no better way to capture such memories than a group photo.  When organizing this group photo keep a lookout for that one guy ... the drunk asshole.  You know the type - too drunk to realize he is late for the group memory and stumbling in to make a graceful entrance.

Classy group photo

You know, that type.

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Class up gas station safety

Here's a quick tip on how to stay classy at the gas station. Drive your busted-ass truck in to the station and park in such a way to block traffic that comes through. Flick a lit cigarette from your window in the general direction of the gas pumps. Walk in to the gas station store to buy whatever people with busted-ass trucks and reckless endangerment behavior buy (probably cheap cigarettes and pork rinds) with complete disregard for those around you.

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Class up a fantasy about a co-worker

In every office it is without a doubt that there will always be "water cooler conversation" or banter concerning another co-worker (in this case a male talking/fantasizing about a smokin' hot female). One such fantasy is to have a permanent desk under the said female's desk. A pretty lofty fantasy indeed! One way to really class this fantasy up is to say to your co-worker, "Damn, that would awesome every three weeks out of the month. I'm sure that 4th week would be lip smackin' good."

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Class up your wardrobe

Why should we be forced to keep our feet bare while wearing sandals? Who decided that bare feet and sandals was the standard? I find that wearing socks with sandals adds many benefits to your wardrobe. Socks are comfortable, providing extra padding when your sandals just do not offer enough support. Socks keep your feet warm, while the sandal keeps you within the unrestricted-toe-movement realm. Socks can be stylish, adding something extra to your sandals. Finally, for the sweaty foot folks out there (you know who you are), socks will absorb the sweat and prevent your sandals from becoming nasty. Take a look at your sandals. I am sure you will come to the conclusion right away that those things will not be classy enough until you add some socks in the mix.

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