Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy


Classy McDonalds

I love Michigan. I have lived here my entire life. There are a lot of great places to visit and the state has a very rich history. I recently visited a hidden gem of the state known as the Manistee National Forest to go backpacking (Grundle was there too), located on the northwest side of the lower peninsula. The forest is absolutely beautiful, but the locals around there are a little off. Perhaps growing up in a suburban environment has skewed my world view, but the people around this area make me feel extremely out of place. After leaving the trail Grundle and I were tired and very hungry from a long day of backpacking. We decided to stop at the one fine dining establishment in town - the McDonald's. I normally never eat fast food, especially McDonalds, but after burning close to 2500 calories from backpacking I would eat anything. We are sitting down enjoying our deliciously sugary Cokes, salty fries, and mediocre burgers as we soak in the local fare. Between the grizzled old men complaining to the cashiers about paying taxes for processed foods, the homely and overweight lady walking around wearing sweatpants too small with a torn t-shirt and hiking boots, and the group of hunters gathered around discussing their hate for minorities (probably), we notice a car parked outside that could rival the Classmaster GT.

A late model Mercury Grand Marquis happened to be stranded in a parking spot from a catastrophic front-driver-side suspension failure. I am no mechanic, but I do understand cars enough to know that these things just do not happen out of nowhere. There are usually warning signs that one's suspension is having issues, e.g. vibrations, rust, strange noises, poor alignment, and a rough ride. The strangest thing about this car was that it appeared to have been parked when the suspension failure occurred. There was no way this car could have been driven to McDonald's like this. The tire in-motion rubbing against the steel fender-well would have surely shredded the rubber, and the lack of steering alone would have made driving impossible. This car must have had a post-park suspension failure while the owner was in mid-chew of his McDouble.

Grundle and I watched through the window as the owner went out to inspect his car. He had a close resemblance to Chris Farley while wearing sweatpants and an over-sized NWO t-shirt (Oh man, remember the NWO? Remember 1997?). He was laying on the ground for a couple couple of minutes until he realized that he needed to find another ride quickly if he is to go home to watch reruns of Hollywood Hogan and the Wolfpac. In sheer confusion regarding what had happened to this 'Merican made luxury sedan, our local Macho Man Randy Savage hitched a ride with his female sweatpants counterpart.

Ladies and gentleman, I dub this car, the Classmaster LTD.

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Classy Ride


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Classy Security

Picture this: You are a man or a woman of the law and you've been hired to maintain order and justice throughout the land.  You are the keeper of peace.  One day you wake up at your desk and realize that you are a rent-a-cop with not even a mag-light as a weapon (or an ounce of respect from those around you).  Just as you thought it could not get any worse, one of your friends points out that your badge has a set of balls on it.  While some men like to "wear their manhood on their sleeve", you seem prefer to have a set of balls proudly displayed on your chest.  You are the classiest security guard in the land!

Balls Security

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House Party Etiquette

Ah it's finally the holiday weekend. What a perfect time to invite friends over for BBQ, beer, booze, Corn-Hole, and streaking through the neighborhood.  While there are many memorable moments that can be had at a party, be it at a friend's house or a complete stranger's, you will want do what you can to be the classiest individual at the party.  I mean, who wants to be the dud? It's kind of like being the smelly kid or the kid with massive acne in middle school.

What to do?  Options:

Streak with the girls:  No, no one will be remotely interested in you running your bare-white semi-hairy ass down the street and around the block.

Vomit profusely in the backyard: While that is classy, it just doesn't have the same appeal that it did back in high school.

Dance and grind on someone like a drunken fool: We might be getting somewhere with this; however, they'll need to be a bit more drunk and classy to be receptive to your advance.

Make some pin-art with a pin-screen you found lying around the house:  That could be kind of cool, but how could you express your classy creativity with it?  A fist, maybe a face, a middle finger, maybe take it into the bathroom? Yep, bathroom sounds like a good choice.  Let's make some "art", maybe something a little abstract, something with a perspective point of view, something that really is worth grasping on to.

Once your done, leave your work of artistic JENIUS on display in a highly visible location, as this is your work and you should be appreciated for it.  You should feel a sense of accomplishment for making a lasting, classy impression with your piece.


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Classy Halloween

So you are going to a Halloween party, eh? Gonna dress up in a costume? Of course you are! It's the Classy thing to do after all. Question is what to go as. But you already know the answer. You need something that will not only look good, but will let the guests know that you are undoubtedly the Classiest person there.

Let's see what we have to work with:

  • You work in IT - That's useless.
  • You have a collection of shitty non-running vehicles - No help there.
  • Your roommates all think you are an idiot - Chicks don't dig that.
  • You are skilled in martial arts - Hmmm, that sound useful.
  • Your hair and clothes make you look like a Japanese anime character - BINGO!
  • You can dress up like a samurai. That will surely impress the ladies. Nothing says "stud" like a man in a dress.

Hmmm, some really good costumes here. Didn't expect that. Better get into character. No sense just looking the part when day-by-day you live it. You have skills, after all. You are The Ninja.

The Classy thing to do here to gain admirers would be to draw your polypropylene sword from its genuine Taiwanese made pleather sheath and run to the front of the room for all to take in your Classiness.

Oops, you normally wear pants. Forgot to hike up your skirt before the Dragon Charge. Ouch! That face plant looks painful. Teeth all good? Nose not bleeding? Excellent, time to save face. Groggily get back to your feet and amble carefully to the front of the room. Upon your arrival, be sure to leap into the air and do a complete back-flip. It will make everyone forget about tripping over your skirt and re-establish you as the Alpha-Classy.

Uh oh. That damn dress again. Landed on the hem did you? Fell square on your ass in front of anyone? Hmm. Pity. At this point you will notice a sharp pain. That would be the bruise to your pride. Fortunately for you, the up rise of guffaws will shroud you in a warm blanket of Classiness.

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Class Up Your Strut

Nothing says "Hey! I'm fucking Classy," more than a Classy walk.

How can I achieve such Classiness as I saunter about my day, you ask? Well, we here at Classy Lee have the answer.

Step 1. Lock both knees  - This will give your new stride the appearance of missing your legs from the knees down. Perhaps and old war injury. "Tojo took my shins," one might say.

Step 2. Midsection rotation - Instead of just thrusting each leg out in front of you in a Nazi style Goose-Step, try rocking from leg to leg while pivoting on the static foot. It is similar to the penguin style walk one might do while rushing clenched-up from a particularly "moist" flatulent episode.

Step 3. Power Walking rules - Be sure to keep feet as close to the ground as possible. The preferable method is to actually slide each foot thus maintaining some friction with the ground. For a visual of this technique, please visit any retirement community and focus specifically on residents using walkers adorned with tennis-ball feet.

Step 4. Behold the Classy-Shuffle - Passersby will undoubtedly revel in the wake of Classiness that you leave at your heels.

SAFETY INFO: Please do not attempt the Classy-Shuffle without applying a liberal amount of petroleum jelly, vegetable shortening, or an OTC Anti-Chaff type product to your inner thighs. Severe chaffing of the testicular region may result otherwise.

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Classy advice from a lady

Making sure your drink matches your outfit is not only very stylish and practical, but it is also ever so classy. Order your drink by color instead of by its name to put a fun twist on the night. You never know what the bar tender will fix for you, so the night will be full of surprises. If for some reason you have to "see" your drink again that night, no one will ever notice since it will match your shirt.

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Classmaster GT

If Gallup were to poll a random sample to determine what the classiest vehicle of them all would be, it would be a 1991 Chevy Van. Chevy knew that the van was so classy that they did not even give it a proper name. They just called it the Chevy Van. It came in two colors: brown, and less-brown. Classy Lee happens to own a less-brown Chevy Van.

Behold, the Classmaster GT.


The van includes a leaky transmission pan, thanks to an off-brand gasket and over-torqued bolts. Steel plates surround the body panels to mask and prevent further rust damage. Spots of primer and Bondo touch up areas of the body to streamline it and improve aerodynamics. The windows are blacked out so nobody can see all the classiness inside. There's nothing like cruising down the interstate at 55 MPH and getting 8 MPG in this babe magnet. The Classmaster GT has single-handedly pissed off an entire neighborhood as it sat in the driveway for a few weeks while it was being serviced.

This van will go down in history with some of the other great mechanical masterpieces of our time: Porsche's 917, Pontiac's GTO, and Ford's GT will all stand in jealousy next to the 1991 Classmaster GT.

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Class up your wardrobe

Why should we be forced to keep our feet bare while wearing sandals? Who decided that bare feet and sandals was the standard? I find that wearing socks with sandals adds many benefits to your wardrobe. Socks are comfortable, providing extra padding when your sandals just do not offer enough support. Socks keep your feet warm, while the sandal keeps you within the unrestricted-toe-movement realm. Socks can be stylish, adding something extra to your sandals. Finally, for the sweaty foot folks out there (you know who you are), socks will absorb the sweat and prevent your sandals from becoming nasty. Take a look at your sandals. I am sure you will come to the conclusion right away that those things will not be classy enough until you add some socks in the mix.

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