Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy


Classy Bike Ride 2

Yep, this is another bike post. Deal with it. I need to vent. I came across three classy motorists today that were all very close to ruining my day (and my bike). As I have mentioned in a previous post, I carefully plan out my bike routes to avoid busy and unsafe roads. Sadly, all three of these incidents occurred on 25 MPH residential streets that I would consider safe.

1. Some Dumb Chick - I'm cruising at about 20 MPH as some girl backs her SUV out of her driveway and in to the street. I can clearly tell that she does not know how to drive this SUV because she had a hard time backing out and judging where the front end of the vehicle was to straighten out without hitting another car parked near the curb. For the record, I strongly believe that most people should have to take a special road test before purchasing large vehicles. How else are they going to manage texting and changing the song on the iPod (or iPhone, since you cannot use it to make phone calls and are stuck with only using it for music) while occasionally paying attention to the road without a proper test? Anyway, she backs out without seeing me so I have to slow down. Normally when people back out as I am approaching there is plenty of distance for me to slow down a little bit until the car ahead reaches the appropriate speed and I can continue with my normal pace. In this situation the girl took her sweet old time to put the car in a forward gear so I nearly had to come to a stop. She only accelerates up to about 5 MPH. About 5 seconds later she stops in the road diagonally and puts the car in reverse. I quickly navigate around the car to the right, and gave the girl a "WTF" look and yelled at her. I forgot what I said, but I am sure it was not nice. As I was giving her the "WTF" look she was laughing at me. Down the road a bit I look behind me and see that the girl pulled in to a different driveway just a few houses down from where she left. I suppose walking would have been too much effort on such a nice day. I am still really confused about what happened here.

2. Cell Phone Guy - This one is pretty straight forward. I am at a stop sign at a 3-way intersection. I see a guy in a minivan driving by looking down at his cell phone for a good few seconds. If I would have turned on to that road 10 seconds earlier he would have been behind me, and who knows what could have happened. I am kind of glad Michigan bans texting while driving, but it certainly does not ban a case of "The Dumb".

3. Some Guy That Hates His Life - This was an odd one. I am riding east down a relatively wide street. The driver in question is going west. We are not in each other's way at all. He sees me and lays on the horn for a good ten seconds. I have experienced many situations where drivers behind me have honked because they have a massive over-entitlement complex and think they own the road, especially when I am going a measly 20 MPH and they want to speed through a residential area at well over 25 MPH. How much does one have to hate life to project one's frustrations at the world toward someone who is out enjoying the weather and getting some exercise?

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A classy oven

Cooking for someone is always a nice thing to do.  Nothing says, "I care" like a well prepared home cooked meal.  When picking the menu for this meal it is important to select the right dish. You do not want to pick something that takes five minutes to prepare; instead, a nice lasagna is always a classy move.

First start off by taking the time to pick up some fresh ingredients.  Since we are talking about lasagna, a bottle of wine is often a good gesture.  Normally we would suggest keeping it classy with a standard bottle of red wine.  On this occasion though, make sure you pick up that extra large bottle of wine.  You know the type: slightly smaller than a half gallon and ready to show everyone you are a cut above the rest.

Now it is prep time.  Take good care to make sure all of the fresh tomatoes are cut evenly, that the cheese is ready to go, and that the noodles on standby.  As you are introducing all of the ingredients to each other in the pan it is acceptable to start getting a little cocky ... after all it is almost time for the easy part, cooking!

Lasagna prepared: Check!  Oven preheated: Check! Weird black shit on the bottom of oven that could present a fire hazard: Double Check!

Place the lasagna in the oven. Your labor is not needed for now.  If within minutes you start to smell something slightly burnt, just ignore it, as that smell is of no concern to you.  Make sure to only get concerned after ten minutes of the burning smell and the warm comforting sound of the fire alarm.

While rounding the corner to the kitchen and seeing flames shooting out of the oven, do not panic, as this is normal.  This only means your oven is on fire.  Take a moment to carefully remove your charred lasagna while flames shoot out at you - after all it is lasagna. Now calmly begin to swat the fire with a towel until it is out and smoke/soot has coated your white kitchen.

It's official, you have started a fire in someone else's house.  It is time to start cleaning and figuring out how to break the news to those who live there.  Classy Lee in all his classiness was very accepted of the incident and attempted to explain to Danger when he returned home:

Classy Lee: "Our oven is under homo suspicion."

Danger: "How so?"

Classy Lee: "It's a flamer."

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Classy Feet

Believe it or not, one can take time out of their day to be Classy while on vacation. The best way to do this is to ignore the safety advice of park officials. I mean, come on, they are not aware of the Classiness you possess. Probably best to enlighten them with a display.

When climbing sand dunes in mid-July during the hottest part of the day, it is likely that the sand will reach extreme temperatures. Park officers are required by law to offer this information so that you can make the personal decision to play it safe or to remain Classy.

Classy Lee suggests removing your shoes and socks and begin the 2 mile uphill trek with only bare feet. The small granules of sand will help to rub down those nasty calluses that cover the soft, supple skin below. The blaring heat will then help sear the underside of your feet to a perfect medium-rare.

As you exit the park with your feet held out of your car window, the park officials and all other patrons will see your throbbing blisters as a symbol of your rebellion against those who would dare try to thwart your Classiness.

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