Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy

24Feb/10Off

Classy Toilet Paper

Toilet paper is a necessity in any home. Let me repeat: TOILET PAPER IS A NECESSITY IN ANY HOME. If you are running low on TP, you should probably go to the store and buy some. If you are completely out of TP, go to the store now. It is cheap. If you receive a steady income you can afford TP, even if it is the commercial-grade sandpaper stuff that the bathrooms at work utilize. Buying TP is a simple concept, is it not?

According to my classy roommates, buying TP is about as low on the priority list as doing laundry that is six months old or getting around to writing new articles for ClassyLee.com. My two classy roommates and I have typically pitched in money to buy TP in bulk at the local bulk market because it, A.) Saves money (very important to some), and B.) Reduces the amount of grocery store trips needed to buy TP. The three of us each have our own bathrooms and split up the TP supply evenly. I realized we were running low on TP a few weeks ago since someone took one of my rolls. I had about two rolls left in my bathroom while one of my roommates had zero. Since I went to the store last to buy TP, I figured someone else could carry out the task for this round. As a social experiment, I did not say anything. I was waiting to see if someone would have spoken up about the low supply of TP. Nobody had said anything. About two weeks ago, I noticed that one of the bathrooms had no TP. I also noticed that paper towel was being used up quite frequently. After some serious brainstorming I correlated my two observations and realized that one of my classy roommates had been using very rough yet absorbent paper towel instead of soft and non-toilet-clogging toilet paper. In the mean time, since I was fresh out, I secretly purchased a 9-pack of TP and kept it hidden in the house where nobody else could find it.

Hilarity ensued.

I am sitting in the living room watching TV when I see one of my classy roommates hobble out of the bathroom mid-dump and run back in with a few sheets of paper towel.

Shortly after I called out my roommates about their lack of initiative to buy TP and told them that I am not buying the next batch. Why did I not say anything in the first place about the low TP supply? The fact of the matter is, I am moving out of this house in a month since I bought one of my own, so frankly, I could just care less. Plus, it is funny to see what kind of classiness my roommates can come up with in dire situations.

5Oct/09Off

A Classy Return to College

College is a very up and down fun time in a person's life.  The homework is tedious, the classes are long and boring, but the drinking never stops.  During this time one's body is conditioned for mass alcohol consumpion, in that it has passed the rigorous training of non-stop alcohol and fast food eating that only Sourdough Joe could withstand.  Those were prime days, being able to start at 9am and continue on to 4am the next morning with only a break for some well deserved Chinese food.

Fast forward a year and you are already out of school and transitioning to the "real world."  During this transition comes some healthier living with much, much less alcohol and a few less pounds.   So when it comes to visiting old friends back at college one should be aware that times have changed and it may be appropriate to take it a little easier this time around.  However, here at Classylee.com there is no such thing as half-assing it!

Visiting your friends you are right back were you belong, where cheap beer is flowing and whiskey is a plenty.  Grab that fifth and start chugging!  Share with everyone! After all, it is a party!  As the night dwindles down and people start to pass out, it is time to leave in search of new adventure.

Several hours pass by and you show back up at the house missing your wallet, cell phone and one flip-flop.  Your friends are relieved that you are alive but concerned at where you may have been.  Questions begin to flood your not so coherent head and all you can remember is possibly sleeping on a park bench and urinating inside the school of business.  Your friends are shocked and begin to call "bullshit" on you.  They then ask where your belongings are.  Clearly, the only logical place is under said park bench.  As you walk over to the bench with your friends, you start to wonder if it was all a dream.

Under the park bench lie your single flip-flop and wallet.  You clearly fell asleep on a park bench in the middle of campus.  Your cell phone is a different story, it has become the fallen soldier of what was an epic battle between whiskey and sobriety.

14Sep/09Off

Classy Parenting “Yooper Style” Part 2

So, The Itis, Grundle, and Myself finally made our way to Copper Harbor (our boat to Isle Royale was to depart the next morning from here) to a very classy establishment known as the Copper Harbor Inn.  This place was a very classy establishment indeed - brown carpet, wooden paneling, paper-thin walls, and some of the best 70's decor that any hotel has to offer.

Upon trying to locate the main office to check in, we had some how managed to stumble in to the home of the owner's daughter and son-in-law (that's what we assumed, anyway).  Ah, what a nice cozy place this is, same amenities as the hotel rooms with just a bit more space for kids, their toys, a bike and a chain saw (yes, a chain saw).  Apparently I missed the memo on classy parenting that states every child should have a chain saw to play with in and outside of the house.  I mean c'mon, age five is the perfect time to learn how to cut down a tree, hedge a bush, or hack off a limb or two, right?

Like our "About" page says on this site, "All of the articles that you will read on this blog are all based on true events. Most of what is posted is hardly exaggerated, if at all. You could hardly make some of this crap up."  For those who still don't think the stuff on this site isn't real or is made up, see below:

Toy and a Chain Saw

11Sep/09Off

Classy Parenting “Yooper Style” Part 1

As a parent you're a role model, a person that your kid looks up to, someone who a child can learn sound, valuable lessons from and above all copious amounts of class.  Now, there are Classy parents all over the world; however, it appears that the inhabitants of Michigan's Upper Peninsula seem to excel at being classy role models for their kids.  How would we at ClassyLee.com know such things?  Simple, watch, observe, document, and then report your findings on such things.  To find out what were talking about, read on...

Some of the members of ClassyLee.com were on holiday and en route to an Island called Isle Royale, in Michigan's Upper Peninsula.  While we were making our way up to the island we had to stop for gas in a very classy town called Hancock, just near Houghton.  I'm not going to go into detail about Hancock and it's people's classiness, but let's just say, they know how to raise the bar of class quite a bit.

Anyway, I'm in the gas station trying to pay for gas when I can't help but notice (and become irritated) by two moms and four screaming kids.  Apparently, from what I could gather the kids had not eaten in quite a while and they were hungry and were trying to get their moms to get them something to eat.  However, as I observed, the moms had a better idea on how to handle the situation.

Kids to Moms: Mom, we're hungry, we haven't ate in hours!
Mom to her kids: Damn it, OK, you guys can get a pack of Juicy Fruit and split it between you.
Kids: *speechless*

MMM MMM, a pack of Juicy Fruit - now that's better than a real piece of fruit or anything that might resemble real food.  But hey, it's juicy, delicious and says fruit in the title so it must be good for you, right?  Aside from that, there are five juicy, delicious pieces in a pack of gum and there are four kids.  How much fun is it going to be to watch those kids fight over the fifth piece?  I guess it doesn't matter since you know what, they saved a ton of money by picking up chewing gum instead of food for their kids.  Hmm, I wonder what they're going to do with all of that money they saved?

Mom 1 to Mom 2: Hey, make sure you get a lot of Excedrin for when we get wasted tonight so we can handle the hang over in the morning.
Mom 2 to Mom 1: For sure, we're going have lots of fun. I just picked up the fifth of vodka, I'm so ready to get lit!
Mom 1 to Mom 2: Awesome, let's get shit-faced!

Hey, it's classy to get lit-up, shitfaced, etc. It's even more classy to make sure you announce this to everyone within ear-shot, including your starving kids. But hey, let's be honest - food vs. booze, there's just no competition. Booze makes you classy, and it's important to be classy and stay classy.  Moms of Hancock, I raise my fifth of Jack Daniels to you!

8Sep/09Off

Classy Wedding Invite

It is only polite and proper to respond to a wedding invitation in a timely manner. A lot of planning and preparation goes in to a wedding so it is important that the soon-to-be newlyweds know who is coming so they can make the appropriate accommodations. On the other hand, being fashionably late directly correlates to being classy. Should you get invited to a wedding, do not respond until you are pestered incessantly only a few weeks before the big day. We can only assume that you left your invitation in a rather inaccessible place, such as a kitchen counter, a desk, or even in a pile of bills you are late to pay with a sticky note that says "RSVP to this!". When you are finally ready to respond do it through e-mail, because technology is awesome. Keep your response short and to the point. Here is an example of a classy response:

"I am IN and would like Salmon. And Booze."

20Aug/09Off

Keep Vegas Classy

The town of Las Vegas can be a lot of fun for the responsible adult. However, for the Classy adult, it can be an education in Classiness.

Upon departing your plane, Classy Lee recommends opening your trip with a couple of 32 oz beers prior to leaving the airport. Once you have arrived at the strip, make a bee-line directly to the cocktail kiosk outside of the Paris hotel. Be nice to the bartender. Become his friend while you ponder your order. Decide on the big plastic Eiffel Tower filled with daiquiri. As he is pouring the rum, keep him distracted with your witty (and Classy) banter. This will insure an excess of booze.

With your freshly prepared beverage, begin the long trip up the strip while you sip. Oh, don't forget to tip.

Upon reaching the north end of the blvd, it will undoubtedly be time for a sub-standard steak dinner at one of the restaurants surrounding Slots O Fun. Be sure to bring your drink into the restaurant. The long straw will allow you to set it on the bench in your booth and still be able to drink it.

As a daiquiri does not go with putrefied chuck shoulder, be sure to drink a couple of beers with your meal. By now, you may find yourself a bit tipsy. This is an excellent time to choose a Vegas show to take in. The best place to look? One of those free coupon books. In here you will find nothing but quality, Classy shows.

Oh my! Look at that! Free admission to the ONLY topless review before 10:00 PM on the strip. Well, you now know where to go. Don't forget your Eiffel Tower.

Once the show begins, order a couple of beers. (A) your daiquiri is beginning to get warm and spit filled. (B) you may need the empty bottles to defend yourself during the show. Why? Because you are going to call your girlfriend and fight with her all through the show. Be sure to yell into the phone. Otherwise, she may not hear you over the loud music and dialogue in the background. Ignore the threats and jibes of the other patrons. They just don't understand Classiness. And speaking of Classy, those are men / drag-queens with breast implants on stage. How does that boner feel now?

Upon your unexpected departure from the show sans closure, you may find that you are parched. Yes, you have your Eiffel Tower, but some ice cold, fresh brewed barley and hops is what you really need in that hot sun. Grab a couple of bottles of Dos Equis for your journey. Tuck the tower under your arm, put the straw in your mouth, and a beer in each hand. You can now drink at will and will remain properly hydrated in these arid conditions.

Oh boy. Headache setting in. Yup, if you are from the Mid-west and have an allergy to beer, your head is probably trying to cave in upon itself. Probably best to head back to your hotel room to get your pills. However, if your sidekick is as Classy as you, he has probably already found a solution. Valium. Yes Valium. It won't relieve your headache but, it will:
Mike: "Take the edge off"
Grundle: "Hell no. I don't want to fall asleep."
Mike: "Don't worry. They are only 10mg pills."
Grundle: "Really? Fuck it. Gimme two."

Uh oh. Nothing to drink to swallow the pills. Better get another beer.

At this point, your other friends are looking for you. They call. They are at the Mandalay Bay. What luck! You are at the Excalibur. There is a train that runs between. Just gotta find the station. Better move swiftly, things are getting foggy.

NOTE: The rest of this Classy event had to be pieced together from photos and eye-witness accounts.

Sure your friends are waiting for you but, when are you gonna be here again? Take turns climbing the statues in the hotel and humping their faces. Be sure to take lots of pictures or as they will later be known "Exhibit A". Eventually a group of large men adorning earpiece style communication devices will come to remove you from the premises. They will be more than happy to show you the train station.

Once on-board the train, DO NOT turn your back on the door. It is an elusive creature and you will have difficulty in your current state locating it again. Fortunately, your friends know you are on the train and go looking for you at the Mandalay train stop. Unfortunately, they waited 3 hours to go looking. Fortunately, you never found that door and they come to rescue you from your three-hour tour of the tracks between the two hotels.

Wow. Pretty thirsty now. Good thing you bought that beer outside the Excalibur to take your pills. Ugh. It's warm. Better dispose of it. The Classy thing to do is pour it on an elderly couple. That is precisely the "Welcome to fabulous Las Vegas" they were looking for.

Now would be a good time for you and your sidekick to split up. You will be able to cover more ground alone. Although, you may be tired at this point. Find your way to someone's hotel room. No one specific, anyone will do. remove all of your clothing. Climb into his/her bed. Sleep off your bender while you foam at the mouth. Surely your friends will eventually come to find you. BTW, it's only 8:00 PM

Viva Class Vegas!

Classy side note: You can obtain an extra high level of Classiness if you blow off your wife's college graduation to go on the fore-mentioned bender.  She will completely understand. After all, you married her for incredible tolerance level of all things that are Classy.

12Aug/09Off

Classy Parenting

Here at Classy Lee, we really do our best to set an example for for the youth of America by being as great of role models as any individual can be.

For those of you who have kids, you understand that they are a wonderful joy and pleasure to have around, especially when you get the opportunity to put them to work for you.  Most parents will have their kids do chores, such as mowing the lawn, taking out the garbage, etc.

So, one Friday afternoon at a Meijer in Grand Haven (Grand Haven is kind of under the "Bible Belt" of Michigan, a very nice yet conservative area where Classy behavior is not always tolerated) I had to stop in and pick up a few items essential for camping with my kid.  (Yes, I have a kid ... well at least one that I know of anyway).  I was kinda rushed to get in and out as quickly as possible so I had to move and act fast to pick up the essentials - brats, chips, variety pack of craft beer, and the grand daddy of all beers, Schlitz!

After getting all that I needed I proceeded to the check out, feverishly emptied all of the contents of my shopping cart onto the conveyor belt, paid the bill, and got out of there as fast as I could. In my mad rush, I realized that my kid was carrying something in his hand as we were exiting the store. That item was no other than a six pack of Schlitz! As we made our way to the exit, everyone stared in disgust that my not-even-teenage son was carrying a six pack of beer out the store.  I said to myself, "Meh, fuck 'em ... might as well carry it out to the car as long as we're here."  You gotta teach your kids to be Classy at some point in their life, right?

11Aug/09Off

Class Up Work Preparedness

When holding down a job it is important to get good sleep and be prepared when you walk through the door the next day. It is good to be at your best since important decisions need to be made during the work day. Most people that decide that a weekday merits an early bedtime and will often end their day reading a book or doing some other relaxing activity.

Here at Classylee.com we suggest the opposite. Monday through Friday is not a no-fun zone. Get out there and live it up - after all it is after 5 so you have no responsibilities! Not only do we suggest a bar visit but we recommend that the bar be roughly 45-50 minutes away from where you live or work. Now you are already being pretty damn classy, but there is room for one more classy move.  Wake up in the morning after a solid night of drinking and shoot one of your roommate's an e-mail asking for him to bring not only your checkbook to work, but ... your shoes.

That's right. You may need shoes for work.