Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy

23Mar/11Off

Classy Littering

The other day I stopped at the local pharmacy near my house to pick up some vitamins and such. The particular vicinity of the pharmacy is in a rather nice part of the suburban Detroit area. I chose to live in this area because the crime was low, the homes were affordable, and there was a very noticeable lack of trashy "classy" people resident. I love writing about classy people, but I certainly do not want to live around them. I lived with Classy Lee himself for almost a year, so I already met my lifetime quota of class. Anyway, the area I live in is a nice middle class neighborhood with none of the riffraff of some of the downriver suburban communities. On this cold and blustery winter day in suburbia, I stumbled upon a classy looking fellow as I walked out of the store. This guy was wearing jean pants and a jean jacket, with a black baseball cap and a disheveled demeanor. He was standing still just outside of the entrance way blocking the door for approaching customers smoking a cigarette before entering the store. The classy looking female counterpart was already in the store chatting with the guy standing outside as the automatic door stayed open letting a cold rush of air in to the store.

As surprising as this may sound, some people actually go to the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions and other drugs because they may be sick. During this cold and flu season, a lot of customers go the store to pick up the necessary items to treat their symptoms. It seems considerate for the man in the Canadian tuxedo to leave the door open to let cigarette smoke and cold air rush in to the store for all of the sick customers to enjoy as they buy their Vitamin C and Zinc supplements. This guy is reading pretty high on my "class" meter.

As I walked out the exit, the meter went off the charts. He flicks his still lit cigarette on to the ground and walks in to the store. The cigarette is still giving off smoke as it rolls in front of my feet, less than a meter away from a cigarette ashtray outside of the store. The guy could have put it out in the receptacle designed for post-cigarette-smoking events such as the one described, but he had to class it up and litter my town with his trashy classy disregard for anyone but himself.

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5Jul/10Off

Classy Bike Ride

I prefer to ride my bike in order to stay in shape. Living in the suburbs of the Motor City presents some difficulties for this since the road infrastructure was never designed to accommodate bicycles safely on major roads (thanks auto companies for years of lobbying). I have to carefully plan my routes in order to stay on what I would consider safe roads for cycling. Some auto owners fail to realize the issues cyclists face and think that the roads only belong to cars. It is OK. I understand. People need a safe haven to drive distracted while texting on their new iPhones with a bad signal. Is this not what America is all about?

During a recent bike ride I was traveling down a 25 MPH street heading up to a stop light. I was behind two cars. Another car pulls up behind me shortly after I stop and honks the horn. I look back to see who it was and realize that the person was honking at me. Maybe my bright orange shirt was making me too visible for that driver to handle. As the light turns green and traffic starts moving, the driver pulls up next to me and yells, "You're not a car." Before I could reply with, "You're not a car either," the guy drove away.

Maybe he was upset that I was accelerating as fast as his PT Cruiser on my bike (no offense Grundle).

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5Mar/10Off

Classy Dishwashing

I have wrote about many situations involving my current classy roommates, both of which write for this site (if you want to call it writing). These guys are not the first "classy" roommates I have had. In fact, I have been exposed to quite a few questionable roommates during my years in college. For the most part while in college I lived with three guys in four bedroom apartments. In retrospect, it really sucked. Typically, out of my three roommates only one of them was sane. The other two did things in those apartments that would make an otherwise calm, collected, level-headed, and not-a-neurotic-psychopath-with-urges-to-cause-mass-destruction-tenant (guess who) want to become a neurotic-psychopath-with-urges-to-cause-mass-destruction-tenant.

I recall one day wondering to where a number of my dishes had disappeared. For weeks I could not find my missing dishes, until one day I decided to do some hardcore cleaning and found a plastic grocery bag buried in the far depths of the cabinet under the sink. Lo and behold, this grocery bag contained month-old dishes with caked on food and unknown lifeforms growing about without fear of dish detergent. It appeared that one of my classy roommates forgot that in order to clean dishes, they must be washed with soap and water instead of festering in a plastic bag under the sink. What a silly mistake. This sort of thing happens to the best of us I am sure. Unfortunately, the roommate that did this had already moved out of the apartment. It is too bad, because I really wanted to let him know what a silly mistake he made.

This little debacle is only the tip of the iceberg. Along with leaving the oven on all of the time, not flushing the toilet after dropping wicked deuces, packing my bathroom full of people I did not know to smoke questionable substances, leaving the door unlocked which resulted in a break-in, and having the worst thermostat obsessive-compulsions I had ever seen, my old roommates were as classy as classy could get. I had the pleasure of dealing with three different sets of classy roommates over the span of six semesters in college, each of which progressively worsened my faith in humanity and accelerated my misanthropic tenancies.

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1Feb/10Off

Public Awareness

There are certain things that we all do that should be kept behind closed doors.  Pay close attention to this gentleman's left hand, as he does not subscribe to this concept:

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20Jan/10Off

Classy Airplane Flight

In previous posts here we made mention that Class is often an inherited trait.  If you pay attention close enough you will notice that your parents are just as classy in their own way.  This is an example of such class.

The Danger family has recently boarded a plane headed down south.  Before we could take off, the plane needed to go through de-icing.  If you have been on a plane during this process you will know the air needs to be turned off.  While this is turned off there is no air circulating through the cabin and it can get quite stale and stuffy.

All of a sudden a horrendous smell starts to creep up your nose and you know someone let one rip!  At the very worst time, someone has let a bit of poo gas creep out of their ass!

Once I came to and started to look around I realized the culprit was Momma Danger!  I confronted her about it and instead of owning up to the bomb from hell, she blamed it on the 5 year old kid sitting in front of her.  Now that is class!

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4Nov/09Off

Classy Showering

Masturbation is a lot of fun. One cannot deny that. However, much like real-estate, it's all about location, location, location. Your own personal "jack-shack" should be comfortable, safe, and free from prying onlookers. Fortunately, it is usually not too difficult to locate such a place.

One would think the shower to be a particularly Classy venue for a little "me" time. I mean, why not? It's warm, you're alone (sometimes), hair conditioner, soap, and shampoo all provide a viscous yet slippery medium, and cleanup should be a breeze with the water and drain immediately available.

Well, the truth of the matter is, this is a recipe for disaster. Albeit, the beginning phase should go just swimmingly. However, cleanup will NOT be the simple task you are expecting.

The reality is semen and warm water is the exact recipe that Goodyear uses to mold the Aqua-Tread radial. For some reason, semen will vulcanize into a stringy rubber-like substance the second it comes into contact with water above 95 degrees Fahrenheit. Once this concoction has fused with the topographical peaks and valleys of your skin, you will find it increasingly difficult to rid yourself of the jellylike bonding agent.

Upon the realization that mere water cannot remove it, you will likely try additional tactics. Do not attempt to rub your hands together. This will result in the permanent bonding of your hands palm-to-palm. (That is only useful if your Catholic grandmother enters the room. You can feign a prayer so she will be none-the-wiser to the sin you actually just transgressed.)

You may try to shake your hand(s) in a whipping like motion as attempt to remove it. This will have the desired effect. However, if you have ever played Paddle-ball or used a punch balloon, you are already aware that one end may remain static and you will be back to square one. In the event you are able to free the "Silly-String" by said method, you will only create a new problem. Sure, some of the mess is off of your hand but now you have ropes of pectin-like jism flying about your shower. These may be difficult to locate for further removal. In fact, it is possible that one or more may slap you in the face or worse, hit your eye. That would be a difficult explanation to your E.N.T specialist. No to mention, getting that gelatinous concoction anywhere above the neck is not really very pleasant. Trust me on this. I watch a lot of porn.

Obviously, none of us are giving up this sport but, let's try to keep the tugging Classy. I for one do not want to find my foot permanently bonded to the floor of my shower by someone else’s ball smoothie.

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2Aug/09Off

Classy Meetings Part 2

So the nose picking didn't work? Kept on rambling you say? Well, you are in luck. There are a myriad of ways to stay Classy in meetings. Classy Lee suggests moving on to nail-biting. Not only is the action a testament to your unbridled confidence, but the continuous clicking, snapping, and "wah-thooing" will provide the necessary augmentation to the display for those in the room that are devoting all of their attention to your guest. What's that? He doesn't know how to use his laptop in conjunction with a projector? Well, you can now take your Classiness to the next level. Classy Lee suggests these steps:

1. Smile smugly.
2. Offer your assistance.
3. Step form your chair while chewing your thumb.
4. When nail is partially liberated for thumb, pause to pontificate over it for a moment.

5. Shrug shoulders matter-of-factly as if to say “meh”.

6. Continue chewing nail.

7. Snap the nail off between your incisors.

8. Remove thumbnail from mouth with hand of your choice.
9. Toss nail over your shoulder.

 

 Classy Nails

NOTE: Be sure to toss the nail onto the meeting table for all parties to bask in your Classiness.

Upon exiting the meeting, be sure to have a lasting handshake with said speaker. It will afford him the opportunity to admire your recently acquired manicure. Nothing says Classy like the feeling of jagged fingernails against your skin accompanied by minor abrasions.

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1Aug/09Off

Make your meetings Classy

We've all been faced with that high-energy co-worker who feels the need to motivate the rest of us pukes. We at Classy Lee believe that not allowing persons to be their own is just not the Classy thing to do. The best way to display your disdain for such tactics is to casually pick your nose in the meeting. (A) No one in the meeting could possibly notice as their attention is being drawn from you by the bubbly host. (B) If your actions do become obvious, your colleagues and the speaker will all know that you are exceptionally Classy and clearly have more important things on your mind than the inane ramblings of some post-grad Prozac pusher.

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27Jul/09Off

Classy ways to thank the chef

So your at a dinner party, BBQ, or any social gathering and the meal that has been prepared for you is nothing less than the best thing you have ever had. What is the best way to tell the chef or cook that you thought the meal was fabulous? While you could say, "Wow, that was the best meal I've ever had," or something similar, I had a better idea.

Walk up to the chef, look him or her straight in the eye and say, "That was really great. I can't wait to shit this out!" Not only will you have raised the bar of classiness, you will also turn some heads of those around you.

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30Jun/09Off

Class it up when talking to your G/F

A classy way of getting out of a boring conversation with your girlfriend is by performing a "Power Down"

A "Power Down" is when one loses total control of their eyes and head and instantly falls asleep.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GD1jgj81n4&feature=channel[/youtube]

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