Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy

21Jul/11Off

Innovation: The Classy Way

Alton Brown said it best when he coined the phrase "There are no uni-taskers in my kitchen". Finding secondary uses for items one already owns adds cost-effectiveness and efficiency to today's fast-paced life. This creative way of thinking has led many great men and women to find new uses for existing tools or engineer improvements to them to better humankind. Where would we be without the addition of the eraser to the pencil? The claw to the the hammer? To a lesser extent, how about the spork? Yes, innovative thinking has taken us far into what we know as modern society.

Innovation is ever evolving. Even organic, if you will. Today's technically minded soul can find ways to make even the simplest of items "Classy".

Now, innovation can not support itself in a Classy environment. Common sense will usually step in and protect it from Class. This is where your Class gets a boost from his good ole buddies Irrational Spontaneity & Unsatisfied Curiosity. This is the emotional jetpack that you feel in the pit of your stomach fighting common sense, causing sweating spells, and ending with a trip to the ER. Embrace it. It fuels Class. This is the exact cocktail one needs to walk on the grass, push the red button, or enter the foreboding door. And speaking of cocktails, several of those will help, too.

For example: You decide to go take a shower. You get naked. Feelin a bit tipsy? No worries, a shower always helps. Oops, you tripped on your way to the bathroom. It's okay. You didn't fall. Nothing hurt but your pride a little. What the hell was that that you tripped over? Oh, the central vacuum hose. Probably should have put that away after cleaning the bedroom. Still feeling tipsy? Yep. Too much? Too little? Or just the right amount to be feeling frisky and Classy. Oh, yeah. That's it.

Say, that vacuum is kinda phallic. And it has a hole. And suction. Speaking of magic combinations...

Now that the head of your penis is suctioned to the end of the hose, you realize the hole is way too small and this is probably not going to work. All you have accomplished is recreating the sound of someone desperately slurping through a straw to savor that last drop of "Mountain Dew". It is at this time you also realize that the vacuum hose has a dial to increase the suction. Maybe that will help. Let's give it a little twist.

...to maximum power.

You will now notice that your spleen has decided to escape the confines of your abdomen and is making break for it by way of your urethra. The whistling you hear is air permeating through your anus in the wrong direction. That problem will solve itself as your asshole slams shut upon a butt-cheek getting lodged in it. With your biological pressure relief valve officially on the disabled list, the vacuum is now free to choke down your member like a goose with a pretzel rod. The vibrations you feel are your testicles slapping against your grundle (heh) with blinding fury.

It is at this point you realize that this may be a failed experiment and go for the power button and the suction adjustment dial.

Now released from the apparatus, you are free to run in circles shouting "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!".

Congratulations, you have earned a "purple heart". You will receive it the following morning once all of the damaged blood vessels have finished bleeding out.

Human ingenuity will take us far. We will always have the innovative to survey inventions like the centralized vacuum system and say "Oh, how nice. That is an efficient way to clean my floor. And what a nice selling feature". Whereas his/her Classier counterpart would say "Oh hell yeah! I know can fuck that."

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12Mar/10Off

Class Up Your Shitter

Taking a shit may very well be one of life's largest burdens. Additionally, let's face it, it is not what one would consider Classy. First of all, it involves shit. Secondly there is pushing and grunting. Thirdly, you have to rub your hand around within the confines of your ass protected by a mere layer of tissue. Lastly, there is a level of intense boredom that comes with the whole experience.

Sure you could argue that last point. Perhaps a book, a newspaper, pocket video game, your BlackBerry (everyone loves to receive a shit-text), a puzzle book. All of these are great solutions to the great problem. But, where do you put your media? The floor probably has piss on it. Perhaps worse if you are the type to try shitting in your shower (Doesn’t work, btw. Those of you not new to this site are already aware of difficulties that will propagate if attempted). You could put a small table next to your toilet. But, it will undoubtedly get knocked over. At the very least, you will bang your elbow on it and curse your ignorance.

How to solve this dilemma? That is the question at hand. Perhaps a desk of sorts. Yes, an elevated platform secured to the opposite wall. This will allow you the ability to prop up and store all reading materials that you may need during your daily constitutional. It will also provide a static podium for crosswords, the Jumble, or coloring books. No more going out of the lines for you!

But, why stop there? The Classy engineer will say “this is just not enough”. How about a pair of hinged supports at the bottom? This will allow the user to stow his/her periodicals out of the way when not in use. The extra 1.5 gained inches will surely provide ample wiping room. No poopy fingers for clever industrialists like yourself.

Bask in the warmth of Classy pride as you smirk knowingly the next time one of your guests says “Can I use your shitter? I got a crap on deck that would choke a walrus!” For soon he too will know that you are a true pioneer of Classiness.

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3Mar/10Off

Class Up Self Gratification While On the Go

Who was it that said, "money for nothing, chicks for free"?  Well I'm not sure and I'm too lazy to consult the Google machine, and I know who ever said it was living in a complete drug and alcohol induced fantasy world.  Let's be honest here, if money was free I wouldn't drag my ass out of bed five days a week to go to work, and further more I can 100% tell you now that there isn't any chick on the face of this planet that doesn't come without some sort of price tag.

With that being said, since chicks aren't free and your time is money getting a little piece of some "action" while you're on a budget can be well, pretty damn impossible.  Sometimes you have to resort to self gratification in order to get a "load" off of your mind.  While this is definitely classy, you can always excel to a new level of classiness.  First off an urge can hit at any time, and when business needs to be taken care of, it needs to be taken care of in a hurry.  Now remember, your on a budget and your time is limited, how can we get around this issue while being classy all at the same time?  Let's take a look at what we can do with some items found around the house and/or the office.

Stainless steel travel coffee mug - As cool as these look, the insulation is pretty terrible; however, "clean-up" will be a breeze.
Half a grape fruit - As acidic as this might be, the flesh-like color definitely gives something to the imagination.
Bottle of lotion - Do I really need to explain this?

Take the said three items and put them together and you get an impromptu flesh-light!  You should be proud of your new and innovative creation...it's now time to get to "work"; however, you might wanna have something close by to sooth the burning from having penetrated a grapefruit.

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27Nov/09Off

Classy Trophies

October and November in Michigan are big months for those who like to hunt deer.  The question is, once you take down a buck or a doe, what do you do with it?  Most people would prefer to go to the taxidermy and get their deer prepped to be hung on their wall or mantle over the fire place.  While this is acceptable, there must be a better way to show off your hard earned trophies.  See below for a solution:

Portable Trophies

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21Oct/09Off

Classy Renovations

While traveling for long periods of time through the wilderness, one tends to miss certain comforts from home. A few of the small things that can brighten your mood are a bed, a warm shower, or the taste of a fresh beer. As you pass through a civilized area you may decide to procure the fore-mentioned luxuries. Perhaps a nice motel room and a six pack of a locally brewed ale.

You retire to your warm room for the evening with nothing but the thought of sipping that beer while the hot water of the shower cascades down your back.

As the water warms up, you grab a beer and attempt to twist the cap off. Unfortunately, you purchased this specific brew because you thought the label was cool and paid no attention to the fact that it required a bottle opener. Of course, the opener was not one of those home comforts you bothered to get.

A normal person would head back out to the store and pick up an opener. You, however, are not normal. You take the Classy approach.

As you walk around the room looking for something to pop the top of your malted hops, you remember that there is a small shelf over the sink in your bathroom. Surely you can use it to get your awaiting beverage open.

Place the lip of the cap on the edge of the shelf.
With hard downward force, strike the cap of the bottle.
As the bottle is forced down onto the static surface, the cap should pop right off. This, however, only happens in a perfect you world. You reside in a Classy one.

At this time, the shelf has crashed to the floor and now has a chunk about the size of 4 bottle-cap teeth missing from its left side. The beer is still sealed.

You now have two problems. Your beer is still undrinkable and bathroom fixtures have ceased to be just that. Fortunately, you are as resourceful as you are Classy.

Slide the shelf back to its place of origin.
What luck, it is staying despite the anchor holes being large enough to hold a roll of quarters. You place the small stack of plastic cups back on the shelf. They can't possibly weigh more than 1oz. so, really, what could be the harm?

The shelf makes its second introduction to the linoleum tile below.

Pay special attention to where the cups have gone. Mustering your Lego and Tinker-Toy skills from your youth, you will need the cups to complete the impending repair to the room.

shelf

True Classiness will be obtained when you tell your travel companions the story and they remind you that the 3 of you are on a backpacking trip and are all carrying a "Leatherman" type multi-tool, complete with bottle opener.

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16Oct/09Off

Always Classy to Save Your Leftovers

Ah, what could be better than a nice, icy cold, refreshing beer after a long day at work? What happens when you don't feel like drinking an entire beer? Sometimes you just want a little taste or just don't feel like drinking an entire can.  Fear not, for technology has graced us with modern refrigeration and other preservation methods for saving that premium beverage for later. The conucopia of flavors that will be absorbed though the wide mouth of the beer can will provide you with the sensation that you have completed a seven course meal with a single gulp.

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19Sep/09Off

Class Up Your Ashtray

Most non-smoking households do not have ashtrays available for obvious reasons. This poses a problem when guests are visiting and one of them is a smoker. Smoking outside will mitigate this issue; however, your guest is classy enough to know better than to put out the ashes on the ground. That would be rude and unsanitary. An empty beer can (preferably something nasty like Coors Light, Miller Light, or any other light beer ever made) makes a great ashtray alternative. The ashes will not burn the metal can and the smell and sight of ashes will be concealed. Your guest can class up the ashtray by using his or her glass bottle of beer (something good like Stella Artois for instance, or a tasty Michigan micro brew) to put out the ashes. Not only will this add some ruffage to the tasty brew, but everyone will know that your guest does not want to be a yuppie beer snob and would prefer to damage a liquid work of art and drink something shitty like light beer instead.

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18Sep/09Off

Classy Grooming

Good hygiene is not only a necessary part of life. It is also a great way to display your Classiness, not so much by just simply looking good, but by displaying the techniques publicly in which you use to make yourself beautiful so that others may learn from you.

This can be a burden considering your lack of time with work, family, and projects around that home that need doing. Classy Lee suggests trying to combine efforts.

After cutting down the dead maple in your yard, you discover the root cause of its demise. Turns out the entire stump is infested with borers. Now you have another problem heaped on. You have the borer infestation, that stump has got to go, and you still resemble a ghetto version of Grizzly Adams. How to solve this quandary, you pontificate.

The answer, use Class.

Fill the void in the center of the stump with a liberal supply of gasoline.
Next, move directly adjacent to the Maple Flambé.
Deftly toss a lit match into the octane soup.
Voila! Three problems solved:

Stump - Burning to ash.
Borers - Crisped to perfection.
Goatee - Gone. Along with several layers of skin, eyebrows, and the hair from within your nostrils if you were Classy enough to inhale while ensconced in fireball. Hey, nose hair can be difficult to trim.

Yes. Nothing says "I am Classy" like a seeping 2nd degree burn under the tip of your nose.

Crater

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7Aug/09Off

Classy Sandwich Part II

You have already classed up a sandwich toss. It is now time to take it to the next level and work on the hamburger toss. This time don't be selfish. There are 2 leftover hamburgers so allow someone to join in on the fun. Start off by first explaining what will take place and then pick your target. There is a group of about 50 people congregating some 20 yards away. This presents a great target to provide good velocity and a chance of anonymity from such action. After providing the thorough demonstration it is time for your friend to participate.

What you weren't prepared for was your friend having no filter and being so drunk that he must hold on to stationary objects just to stay on both feet. As he grabs the hamburger, you are still trusting that the toss will go in to said congregation. Instead this friend does just the opposite and hurls it in to the back of an innocent girl nearby. Just when you thought it was bad enough, he follows up with a loud roar of "HAMBURGER!". You are now friends with the classiest hamburger tosser around.

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6Aug/09Off

Classy Sandwich Part I

During a three day bender it is always important to find nourishment to revitalize the body. What better way to do such a thing than a breakfast sandwich from your favorite fast food place. After the food is pounded away and the drinks start to flow again you spot the lone sammich on the side of the porch. Now normally we would suggest eating the sandwich such that one does not to let it go to waste. Since the sandwich has already encountered and lost a battle with ants we suggest an alternate approach.

Grab the sandwich and hurl it straight into the air as hard as possible at the same time yelling "SANDWICH!" Watch as the glorious, half eaten, ant infested sandwich spirals into the air. Bask in your accomplishment as the sandwich starts to fall back to earth and collide with a random party participant's face.

This is a great way of re-using what was once a lost sandwich and also letting random party participants know they are ALWAYS welcome!

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