Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy


Class Up Your Ride

As a country of consumers, most of us are aware of the large costs associated with "pimping one's ride". The amount of necessary revenue needed for dubs (rims to the layperson), paint and detailing alone can swallow up the weekly fry-cook's salary in only one shopping trip to your local automotive parts retailer.

Now for the truly Classy artist, a little ingenuity goes a long way.  A thousand and how many uses?

"Can't fix it, "duc" it. Can't "duc" it, fuck it".

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Classy E-Mail About Roommates

From: The Itis
To: Classy Lee; Danger
Sent: Tue Jan 26 08:42:10 2010
Subject: House

Just so you guys know, I’m going to start looking for houses on Saturday. I plan on being out of our place no later than the end of April, but if I find a house I really like it will be sooner. I wanted to give you a heads-up in advance. I don’t know if our landlord would want you to get another roommate right away.

From: Danger
Sent: Tuesday, January 26, 2010 9:40 AM
To: The Itis; Classy Lee
Subject: Re: House

If you have any suggestions for hot female roomies please let us know. Here are some guidelines:

1. Must be willing to cook

2. Must be willing to clean

3. Must be under 140 pounds

4. Must be willing to drink heavily and "see where things go"

From: The Itis
To: Danger; Classy Lee
Sent: Tue Jan 26 09:41:31 2010
Subject: RE: House

You are asking for a lot. Lower your standards.

From: Danger
Sent: Tuesday, January 26, 2010 9:43 AM
To: The Itis; Classy Lee
Subject: Re: House

Son of a bitch. 1 and 2 are negotiable but I will NOT change my mind on 3 and 4.

From: The Itis
To: Danger; Classy Lee
Sent: Tue Jan 26 09:43:48 2010
Subject: RE: House

Better start looking now. Try Craigslist.

From: Danger
Sent: Tuesday, January 26, 2010 9:46 AM
To: The Itis; Classy Lee
Subject: Re: House

I am actually thinking about posting that exact add in craigslist. Just to see if we get replies.

From: The Itis
To: Danger; Classy Lee
Sent: Tue Jan 26 09:46:52 2010
Subject: RE: House

You will have serial killers replying.

From: Danger
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 2010 09:47:44 -0500
To: The Itis; Classy Lee
Subject: Re: House

Classy Lee can take over the screening process.

From: Classy Lee
To: Danger; The Itis
Sent: Tue Jan 26 10:03:02 2010
Subject: Re: House

We’re as good as “dead”.

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Classy Bathroom

Urinating while showering is without a doubt the number one way to multitask in the United States. I consider myself a pro at it, in fact. One may think that other excremental functions would be just as favorable of an exercise in efficiency. In some cases, this is true. Crying, spitting, lactating, and nose blowing are all acceptable feats for any shower. However, as with most situations, there is a line that should not be crossed (ejaculation is one of these line-crossing events. Please see "Classy Showering" if you would like to learn more).

I recently encountered an expert in this field and decided that his story could help our readers in keeping their bathrooms as Classy as ours.

As previously mentioned, shower-pissing is not only common but, widely accepted. However, we here at Classy Lee recommend that you do not attempt shower defecation.

Unbeknownst to most people, moving water & a drain are not the perfect alternative to the flush-able toilet. There are different pressure variables that take place in such units that cannot be easily duplicated in a standard shower stall with the readily available accouterments.

Should you attempt this feat here is what you can expect:

1. There will be shit on your shower floor.

2. There will be shit on your feet.

3. There will still be shit on your shower floor.

4. Toilet paper disintegrates the instant it comes in contact with water.

5. There will be shit on your ass.

6. There will still be shit on your shower floor.

7. There will still be shit on your ass.

8. There will still be shit on your feet, your ass, and yes on your shower floor.

It will be at this point that you realize your error in attempting to shit in the shower. Naturally you will try to rectify (not "rectumfy", that's how you got here) this predicament.

First, you will wash your ass. Makes sense since shit slides downhill.

Second, you will probably use your foot to push the fore-mentioned shit to the drain. Only makes sense since your foot and your shower floor are both already akin to being shit-covered.

It is at this point that you realize that shit is not a free-flowing substance like it's watery counterpart or Morton table salt. You find that it just kind of rests on top of the hair trap atop the plumbing you so desperately want that shit to become a traveler within.

Being that your foot is already shit-covered, it is the perfect implement in your mind to assist the shit with its journey. You begin pressing it in.

Your shower drain now resembles the Play-Doh Fun Factory. That is with one small exception. The Play-Doh Fun Factory is rarely shit covered, unlike your foot, shower floor, and drain trap and soon to be bath-mat if you are not really creative with VO5.

We all know that "shit happens" but, Classy Lee feels that this was one time it did not have to.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I would like to apologize for my repetitive use of the word "shit". Not because I find the word offensive or even care if you do. But, more-so because I am typically more witty than to default to simple profanity. However, this is one of cases where I felt it was important to affirm as much as possible that we are talking about shit here! Yeah, shit! On your foot! On your shower floor! It's shit! Why would anyone think this would be a good idea. Again, it's shit.

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How to Break into a “Bread Fortress” the Classy Way

Behold, some of mankind's greatest inventions: the wheel, the steam engine, the hybrid engine (no wait, scratch that one), and last but not least the "Bread Fortress".  For those of you who haven't had the privilege of owning a "bread fortress" or even know what one is, pay attention.

The bread fortress is unlike any regular house hold appliance as you can see from the picture below.  The bread fortress is capable of holding one loaf of bread, and an eight-pack of hot dog buns under it's state-of-the-art flimsy plastic dome.  What makes this device more special is the fact that when properly utilized it can preserve bread for so long that your children's children can enjoy a fresh slice of wheat filled goodness.

Now, what happens when you want to retrieve one of your very well preserved loaves of bread from the fortress?  Most non-classy people would prefer to flip the switch to the unlock position.  While that is acceptable, it is just not that classy.  The first thing to do is to approach the fortress with reckless abandon such that you build up enough force and velocity to crack open its impenetrable cheap plastic shell.  If that doesn't work, push every single button and play with anything that looks like it may be a device to open the fortress.  Lastly, pick it up and shake it violently in hopes that a few bread crumbs fall out as you've probably become famished from exerting so much energy trying to get that beloved loaf of bread that you've been fantasizing about all day.


After a miserable failure on your part to open the fortress, go to Taco Bell and get a burrito.

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