Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy

23Dec/09Off

Sensitive & Classy

As you may already be aware, the good folks at Classy Lee are huge fans of physical fitness. In fact, the majority of the team enjoys some pretty demanding activities such as backpacking, mountain climbing, marathon running, marathon drinking, and ice hockey.

Speaking of the latter, yours truly was playing net the other night when I had a particularly compassionate moment. Or as I call it - Classy.

After a wicked hit by one of my own defense-men, an opposing player crumpled to the ice and began making wails akin to the sounds made by Chewbacca the Wookie. At the same time, my team centred the puck and had a great scoring chance. The ref blew the whistle due to the injury before the shot could be made.

Grundle:
"What the fuck, ref? You just fucked our scoring chance! That guy would still be injured after the play was halted naturally! That's bullshit!"

As it turns out, the player suffered a broken collar bone and it was sticking out of his flesh under his shoulder pads. He seemed to find it painful. Hence the Wookie noises. Now, over the years I have suffered some pretty major injuries on the ice. Torn rotator cuff, abdominal tear, torn ligaments, broken arm, torn knee, separated shoulder, broken toes, fractures to hands and ankles, and a shattered tibia just to highlight a few. With the exception of the latter, I did my 3 - 5 minutes of grunting and rolling around like a turtle on its back, manned-up, and got right back in the game, finished, went home and got drunk, patched my wounds in the morning, then went to the E.R. 30 days later when the injury still hurt for some strange reason. This is simply what I consider courtesy.

After 10 minutes of listening to crying and watching our "victim" sit static where he fell, our hero (me) began to cool off. Not good for a goalie.

Being the caring and Classy person that I am, I countered the gnu like wailing with:

"Your fucking legs are still working, right? Get the fuck off the ice so I can finish game, go home, and get some pussy! Go cry in the locker room, for fuck-sake!"

I am happy to report that he did finally pull up his skirt, scoot on his ass (pathetic IMO) to the door, and made his way to the ER.

Now the bad news. We lost the fucking game. I would blame it on my defense but, I never saw those assholes for the entire night. Miserable fucking game.

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9Nov/09Off

Classy Observation

It is always classy to speak your mind no matter who you may offend.  Upon seeing a large person walk into the grocery store, Classy Lee follows with,

"Looks like someone is not malnourished."

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26Oct/09Off

Classy Sing-Along

Jill (to Collin, her 2 year old son):
"Collin, sing a song about Grundle."

Collin:
"You're a jerk."
"You're a jerk."
"You're a jerk."
"You're a jerk."
"You're a jerk."

Grundle:
"Ouch, my pride."

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4Sep/09Off

Class Your Way Out of a DUI – Part Two

So, about that BJ?  Now, how would actually getting the BJ that supposedly got you in to (more so out of) trouble, sound?  Sounds like a pretty classy idea if you ask me!  I mean hey, you just got out of a DUI for God's sake, so you might as well push your luck a little further, right? Let's set the stage:

1994 Chevy Mini Van with plenty of "leg room" - Check
Dark and dimly lit parking lot at a family restaurant - Check
Two people who might as well have cheated death - Check

Guy: So, how about that BJ ... I mean, you know, we ugh...

Girl: Why don't we just bang in the van?

Guy: Um yea, we could do that too...

Well, not too much to talk about here, right? Wrong! So, you're both half-naked, eff'd up, and about ready to do "the horizontal jungle dance" when you hear, *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* "What's going on in there," and you look up to see a police officer outside of your van with his flash light shining brilliantly on your bare ass. Most people would just panic in this situation, but not these two classy individuals. The correct reply would be, "Just checking her internal body temperature." While this is theoretically correct, it's probably not the answer the officer was looking for.

Somewhat perturbed the cop asks both of you to get dressed and then questions why you two were trying to have sex in the parking lot. Should you tell him that you thought a pizza and a fuck was a good idea?  Sure, you've just pulled off getting out of a DUI, why not?  Tell the cop about how much she enjoyed the pizza and that pizza in this case leads to sex in a mini van ... who knew?

The cop being either a classy individual himself or just can't believe the amount of bullshit that he's seen and heard, lets you off with a warning and tells you to skip the mini van next time and head home to the bed room.  Who's going to argue with that?

So here we are, it's 3am, a DUI has been avoided, you've been let off the hook for basically getting laid in public, what's next?  So, about that BJ ... at home.

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16Aug/09Off

Class Your Way Out of a DUI

While we here at ClassyLee.com don't advocate drinking and driving, we do offer this classy piece of advice if such a situation were to arise and you find yourself being pulled over for say, oh maybe driving on the wrong side of Michigan Ave?

In order to transcend to this level of classiness, you will need at least one person riding shot gun (male or female, depending on your prefs).

So, you find yourself pulled over in a parking lot by two cop cars, lights flashing, your heart pounding, and you know you're neck-deep in shit and reeking of booze ... what to do!?

Cop on driver side: Sir, can I ask what you were doing driving on the wrong side of the road!?

Driver: Uhhhh...

Companion: Hahaha! Do I really have to tell you why he was driving on the wrong side of the road, Officer?

Cop on Passenger Side: Yes, I really think you should explain to us why you were on the wrong side of the road.

Companion: Well officer, I was feeling overly anxious and decided I wanted to give my boyfriend a BJ and well, I was so good at it I was distracting him.

Cop on Passenger side: So wait, you couldn't wait 'till you got home to perform oral sex on your boyfriend!?

Companion: What can I say, I felt the urge and went with it.

Cop on Driver Side: Is this true, sir?

Driver: *Smile with a stupid grin on your face, shake head in agreement* Sure is, best I've had while driving

Cop: Ugh, next time wait 'till you get home.

Driver: For sure officer, for sure.

Cops leave and while you've probably crapped your pants, you can take pride in knowing that you just got out of a potentially life altering predicament by making up a totally believable bullshit story.  The only way that this night could get any classier would to be lean over say to your companion, "So, about that BJ..."

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16Jul/09Off

Class up a dance invite

When being invited to dance with a lady it is always important to let them know your intentions.  For instance, if one of your friends girlfriends comes up to you and asks you to dance it is always classy to respond with, "There is no chance of me sleeping with you tonight, so the answer is no." Remember it is classy to be honest.

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