Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy

29Jan/10Off

Fan-Submitted Story: Classy Joe Louis Arena Bathroom

If you have never had the pleasure of seeing a hockey game at the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit you no idea what you are missing! The smell of bratwursts, the ice cold breeze coming off the ice as the players warm up ... wonderful. However, nothing tops the class you see the moment you turn around the concrete wall of the men's room at the Joe! I can still vividly remember going to my first hockey game with my father and standing in line during intermission to use the piss-trough. For the lovely ladies who have never had the pleasure of seeing and/or never understanding the joy of even using piss-trough, it is quite a treat. As a man I would rank it exactly like giving birth just with a bit less chunky matter.   Spending upwards of $50 a seat and pissing away your $7+ beer into a bathtub with six total strangers is the utmost of classiness. I can't think of anything more fancy than being the lucky one to find the spot in front of the drain. There is not a more heavenly experience of pissing into a bath tub with six men and sharing your classic evening at your next church gathering. Father O'Malley would just love to go to a game with you now, and you never knew he was a hockey fan! The effervescent odor of countless men's musky liquid all mixing in the medley of yellow swirl just a few feet from your own nose = Class

- "Dr Bukkaki"

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8Jan/10Off

Mr. Belvedere’s 1/2 Marathon

Here at ClassyLee.com some of us believe in fitness ... well, two of us.  With that said we would like to introduce Mr. Belvedere.  This fine gentleman will start to post some classy stories soon but is currently busy running a 1/2 Marathon in Orlando, FL.

That's right, ClassyLee.com will be sponsoring Mr. Belvedere during his very first 1/2 Marathon!  He will be wearing a T-shirt that features our new logo!

Now you may be asking, "Why just a 1/2 marathon?"  This is because he drinks and the liquor gets in the way of his training.

If you are interested in being sponsored by ClassyLee.com, drop us a line at Sponsorship@ClassyLee.com

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7Dec/09Off

Got Class?

There is nothing like a road trip on a Summer's day. When the sun is shining, you are with your friends, and you have a great destination in mind to spend your weekend, nothing beats it.

Now, Summer in Michigan is a cruel bitch. It is always wet and when it heats up above 80, it is downright miserable to be alive. Especially if you are Classy enough to sport a hooptie sans AC. This is in fact a recipe for severe sweating and dehydration. Probably best to get something to drink for the long ride. An intelligent person would get a water or sports drink. But the Classy person goes right for flavor. Nothing like an ice cold chocolate milk, eh?

Wow. A pint is $1.00? Kinda high, I would say. Oh look, the half gallon is only $1.59. I reckon we have a winner.

As you continue on your journey, you enjoy the creamy chocolaty goodness that you recently procured. It is after about 2 pints that you realize that (A) chocolate milk is rich. (B) You are getting full. (C) You have no cooler to keep your milk cold on your 3 hour journey. (D) You are frugal and refuse to let this bounty perish. it is then that you do the only thing you can think of. You proceed to drink the entire half gallon over a period of 40 minutes.

It is at this point that you realize (A) you are sick. (B) The human stomach was not designed to hold a half gallon of rich chocolaty goodness. (C) You are an idiot. (D) You are nauseated. (E) You are Classy.

As you are driving your options are quite limited. We here at Classy Lee recommend the following steps:

1. Whine like a bitch to your girlfriend.

2. Complain constantly about the nausea.

3. Refuse to pull the car over to vomit as the only thing worse than nausea is actually vomiting.

4. Whine like a bitch.

With a little time and luck, you will manage to successfully digest and burp off the chocolate H-bomb that you ingested only minutes before. It is at this time that you realize that you did not waste any of that $1.59 and have crossed the bridge to true Classiness. Kudos, you cheap bastard.

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25Nov/09Off

The Classy Sweet Tea Stomach Ache

What do you get when you mix a fifth of sweet tea vodka, two liters of Minute Maid lemonade substitute, a bag of jalapeno kettle chips, and a bad temper? One would think that you get either:

A. A trip to the hospital
B. A trip to the hospital
C. A trip to the shitter
D. All of the above

If you answered any of those, you are wrong, at least in the case of what happened to Danger. The only thing he got was a mild stomach ache, followed by the worse temper tantrum the world had ever seen. Think of Godzilla with bad gas and no Mylanta, but in this case, an angry, drunk, and very in-digested man with nothing to lose. Drama queen would be a good way to describe this person, as the cast of General Hospital would be jealous. Danger actually went around the kitchen, throwing food from the pantry at me, followed by some silverware, which happened to bounce off of my chest and in to the glass I was holding. My granola bars never recovered. The real danger (no pun intended, well, maybe a little) came about when he started throwing half-full two liter bottles of Minute Maid lemonade at me. I was less concerned about the impact of the bottles on my head, and more concerned that I could be covered in the horrible abomination of a beverage that is Minute Maid lemonade. After terrorizing the kitchen which should have relieved the pain of the stomach ache (if you know a better cure, please let me know), Danger went completely spastic, grabbing the counter and shaking his body up and down exclaiming, "It hurts! It hurts so bad!"

Some Tums, a ginger pill, and fifteen minutes later, Danger finally recovered from his tummy ache. He felt no remorse for almost impaling me with silverware, and continued to the drink the rest of the night at a party we ended up going to. With that said, he ate three chicken sandwiches at McDonalds and puked them up.

We call this in the Danger household, Tuesday.

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18Nov/09Off

Staying Classy Vegas-Style

Waitress (deeply concerned):
“Is she breathing?”

Grundle (giggling):
“Yes she is.”

Waitress:
“Meh.” (turns and leaves)

IMG_0707B

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21Sep/09Off

Soothing a Hemorrhoid the Classy Way

At some point in most people's lives they discover something that they really don't want to discover.  No, I'm not talking about finding out that you mom had been blowing your dad right before she gave you a good night kiss (even though that's pretty classy).  I'm talking about having one of man's greatest joys in life ruined by a blood-filled sack.  What is this momentous occasion you ask? And what is ruining it?  The occasion - taking a nice giant crap at some point in the day.  The spoiler - a hemorrhoid!

Apparently 90% of the human population has had one, or will have one at some point in their lives.  The question is, what do you about it when hemorrhoids happen to you?

Option 1: Tucks Medicated pads - They look like the acne pads you used to use on your face as a teenager.  Use of these may result in a shrunken hemorrhoid and/or "pepperoni" free arse.

Option 2: Have it lanced off by your doctor - I don't know about you, but something about my doctor having either a gun or knife near my sphincter would make me bit upset.

Option 3: Frozen Suppository - Nothing says relief like shoving a frozen medicated mini popsicle up your ass, letting it melt, and then dribble outta your bunghole!  To make things really fun, run around while it's melting...it'll probably make you feel like you've got frozen mud-butt.

Last but not least, I was fortunate enough to hear a tid-bit of advice from a fellow colleague of mine who was dealing with this ailment by "buying some oinment, fill a nipple up, shove it up your ass and then let it jizz up in there..."

Classy hemorrhoid treatment or a new way to spend your Saturday night?  You decide.

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1Sep/09Off

Classy Leech Removal

Leeches, while they suck your blood and are kind of gross to look at, are rather harmless when compared to other creatures in the wilderness. Here is a common scenario that you might come across if you are spending some time in the backcountry: You are backpacking on a scenic and remote island in the middle of Lake Superior. After a long day of hiking over 10 miles you decide to head down to the lake to pump some water and cool off your feet. You put your sandals on and stand in the cool shallow water on the shoreline. A few minutes later you feel something on your toes. A small leech is trying to get a hold of you for a feast. What do you do?

Resolution 1:

  1. Step out of the water and gently remove the leech with your fingers and put it back in to the water.

Resolution 2:

  1. Step out of the water and kick off the leech.
  2. Accidentally kick your sandal in to the lake.
  3. Quickly run in to the lake to grab your sandal.
  4. Slice the side of your foot wide open on the sharp rocks in the lake.
  5. Fail to retrieve your sandal and have someone else follow it across the rocky and nearly impassable shoreline to catch it.
  6. Bleed all over the place for about 10 minutes.
  7. Clean the cut with rubbing alcohol and experience painful burning as it cleans the cut.
  8. Seal the cut with superglue and duct tape so you can continue the 20+ more miles of hiking left on your trip.

The first resolution may make more sense, but in order to keep it classy the second resolution produces far more memorable (and painful) results.

foot_cut

This is the cut after it was cleaned and glued shut.

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25Aug/09Off

Class Up Your Workout

One week away from vacation. Anticipation builds. A week backpacking on a beautiful remote island. What a great escape this will be.

Rest? No, I don't want to rest and take it easy before the long hike. Not classy.

Let's go to the gym. Don't want to get out of shape before the big trip.

Time to lift some weights. Pump some iron. Break a sweat. Feel the burn.

*SNAP*

There goes a ligament in my neck. How will I carry this 50 pound pack?

Classy.

Lesson: Don't try to bench press a Buick before an important trip that requires strenuous physical activity.

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21Aug/09Off

Privacy from Your Roommates the Classy Way

Roommates getting in the way? Need some privacy? Want the living room to yourself so you can watch some TV? Can't find a good solution for this dilemma?

This can be solved with a simple solution: Gas

Go to your local grocery store to pick up the following:

  1. Bag of grapes
  2. 3 cartons of blueberries
  3. Bananas
  4. Bag of carrots
  5. Bag of nectartines
  6. Carbonated fruit juice (Izze sparkling juice is good.)

It is important that you go to a store with a quality selection of fresh produce. Do not resort to that day old bruised shit you can find at Wal Mart or Meijer. You get what you pay for, and you need quality fruit for this.

Once you get home start chowing down on your tasty and healthy snacks. Do not eat it all. You don't want to make yourself sick, do you? Wash it all down with your tasty beverage. Give your system about 30 minutes to start working through your fruit and go and hang out with your roommates for a bit.

Guaranteed, you will clear out the room in no time. Think about it.

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1Jul/09Off

Class up your work day intravenously

Staying in shape is a big part of staying classy. Playing competitive team sports is an excellent way to accomplish this. Here at ClassyLee.com we believe the best way to let everyone know which sports equipment is yours is to leave it saturated with perspiration and sealed in its carrying bag until it is time to use it again. The confined area and moisture is an excellent breeding ground for your own personal aromatic cornucopia. It also helps keep your gear soft and flexible for its next use.

In the event you should obtain a minor cut or abrasion that may find itself ensconced by the fore-mentioned equipment, you may find that some of your secreted offspring may attempt to return to their place of origin. This will allow your body to be a Classy residence for generations of their offspring. And for you, a nice stay in a Classy hospital room with all of the Jello you can handle.

Upon departure, you will receive a few parting gifts:
A chrome pole (Not the kind you swing on. It will have hooks at the top and wheels on the bottom for easy transport)
Several bags of saline solution
Antibiotics to spike up that salty cocktail

When you return to your place of employment, your co-workers will gaze in awe at your classiness as you roll that polished beauty by your side. The symphony of the 2 second drip, squeaky wheel, and shuffle of your disposable foam slippers on the tiled floor will be the only fanfare you will need to let onlookers know that absolute classiness looms in their eminent future.

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