Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy

19Jul/10Off

Grilled Classiness

Over the centuries, many great countries have provided important contributions to the culinary world. The grand ole USA is no exception. While imitated and duplicated a plethora of times with many finer ingredients, there is just no substitute for cheap white bread, butter, and Kraft processed American style cheese food product. AKA - The Grilled Cheese.

Even the most snobby of food critics cannot deny the subtle complexities of this succulent fare.

More important than the simplicity of said delicacy is the simplicity of preparation. Any man woman or child can handle the assembly. In fact, I am sure I need not post the instructions as all Classy Lee readers have it down by now.

However, as with most things (and people) there are exceptions. Below you will find the step-by-step instructions for making the exact opposite of what is detailed above. No, this is not "High Class" Grilled cheese composed of aged Vermont cheddar, apple smoked bacon, ripe Roma tomatoes, on a canvas of warm multi-grain Artisan bread. While that does have its place and is wonderful experience, it is still not the Classic fore-mentioned treat. Instead, I give you the instructions for the "Classy" abomination that destroyed the last stitch of faith I had in American craftsmanship.

1. The bread - Wheat. Not real wheat. Rather, the bastardized version that NASCAR fans refer to as wheat. Basically Wonder bread with some grit and brown coloring added. "Hillbilly" is an exceptional choice here.

2. Crock margarine. Brand is irrelevant. Just be sure to let it sit in a warm room for 6 hours prior to use.

3. Cheese - Be sure it has no name brand. Not store brand. That is still too good. Look on the very bottom shelf. Most major grocers carry a brand devoid of flavor and nutrition that simply says "cheese product". Matter of fact, I don't think cash can be used to purchase it. Only WIC coupons will be accepted should you wish to procure it.

Now, assemble the ingredients in the standard fashion taking care to use 2 pieces of cheese and margarine on both sides of the bread.

Apply to heat. Preferably a low heat so it takes 15 minutes to brown 1 side of the sandwich but not enough heat to permeate the bread and melt the cheese.

I cannot stress enough the importance of the last step. For had the cheese melted, I would have had difficulty peeling the two slices apart from each other to remove the long, thick black hair that was sandwiched in the middle of the sandwich.
You mother fucker. You stole my innocence. I know who you are and you will pay dearly. So so dearly...

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15Mar/10Off

Classy Ice Cream Bars

Klondike bars are disgusting. On a scale of disgusting things, I would rank Klondike bars between Classy Lee's laundry pile (it is actually turning in to a cave now) and Nickelback. There was a box of these crap-filled chocolate bricks in the freezer the other day (the Klondike bars, not Nickleback) which I would have looked past without a second thought had my sweet tooth not been jonesing. I had not been grocery shopping in a little while and the snack foods were pretty much consumed. I normally do not eat junk food, but for some reason a Klondike bar was calling my name. I managed to consume an entire bar. I do not know why my fight-or-flight response did not kick in while eating this sad excuse for ice cream. I should have taken one bite and threw the rest in the trash.

Enter Danger.

Danger loves these things. Along with Taco Bell and Mountain Dew, Klondike bars are among his favorite gourmet foods. Who could argue that? Ice cream made with spoiled milk, "natural flavors", and chocolate found in a dumpster can only satisfy the taste buds of someone so attuned to processed foods. Danger and I actually got in an argument about Klondike bars after I was saying how horrible they taste. Already a few shades to the wind, Danger interrupts mid-rebuttal and yells, "It's the experience! It's like being in the Klondikes!"

I suppose eating a Klondike bar would be comparable to being in a cold, barren, and abandoned area of the Yukon territory. I would say that is spot-on. Touché Danger.

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3Feb/10Off

Classy Delivery

With the busy lifestyle of today's American, it is difficult at best to find even a few minutes to eat lunch; let alone go out to a nice restaurant and sit down. Fortunately, we live in a time of delivery services.

Delivery is not exactly a new concept. Homemakers relied on many services for decades throughout the 20th century. Sure the services and products have changed but, the general idea is still there. Can't get to what you need? We will bring it to you for a nominal fee. Things like milk, diapers, and ice have all been replaced by the two car family, the minivan, modern refrigeration, the Internet, and women in the workplace. This revolution has given birth to a new form of delivery. What was once simple ingredients is now full complete meals that are hot & ready to eat.

The availability of said services has also created exciting career opportunities for many out-of-work dishwashers that have been replaced by the new high-tech machines. With little more than an automotive operator's license and some acceptable degree of eyesight, virtually anyone can make the journey down this path to a brilliant future serving their fellow man. Only a few simple steps need be followed:

1. Purchase a vehicle that belonged to someone from the generation that preceded your own. Be sure the vehicle was a hand-me-down during that person's adolescence.

1a. Check the accelerator. It should work digitally. On or off. Nothing in between. You will need the ability to get to 60 mph while driving through corporate parking lots.

1b. An exhaust leak is also mandatory. This is the only way to let pedestrians know you are coming as the horn button is still attached to the driver-side air bag that was stolen while said vehicle was in the previous owner's possession.

2. A hoody. Be sure the garment's namesake feature be drawn at all times. This will hide your face & help your customer recognize you as either the delivery guy or the perp that mugged him/her outside of the last baseball game he/she attended downtown.

3. Your sedentary uncle's pants. The loose fit will give you ample cargo space for the vast amount of tips you will undoubtedly receive. The weight of all of that cash MUST be the reason they keep drooping to the point of displaying your paisley cotton boxers.

4. Class. Upon exiting your vehicle with your client's culinary provisions in tow, use your free hand to close one nostril and exhale abruptly through the unconstrained one. Yarns of nasal bodaggits will immediately be dispelled. Now switch hands and repeat on the other side. The remaining afterbirth can be wiped away with your hands and sleeves. Do not be alarmed if some of your mucus clings to the outside of the food container(s) like remora.
This works in your favor as your Class becomes evident when the stowaways migrate from container to customer before their very eyes.

Ignore any complaints they have. Chances are they ordered "butt-pickles" in the first place.

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22Jan/10Off

Classy Sandwich Chef

Some co-workers of mine stopped at a local chain sandwich shop during lunch. While one of them was ordering, the sandwich guy asked, "What would you like on your sandwich?". He replied, "Everything but pickles." The sandwich guy replies, "Hehe, butt pickles."

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11Dec/09Off

Classy Lee vs. Grill Round 2

You will notice this video took place in the summer but hasn't been posted because Danger was on a bit of a hiatus.  He is back and classier than ever!   Classy Lee vs Grill Round 1 can be found here:  http://www.classylee.com/?p=154

The Grill and Classy Lee had unfinished business though:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSLoFeKEZdo[/youtube]

Editor's note from The Itis: He nearly broke one of my kitchen utensils.

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9Dec/09Off

Classy Lee Cooking

It isn't too often you can see a master practicing his craft.  Here you will see Classy Lee outside cooking up a storm on a hot day with a cold Schlitz.  There is not much action in this video, but sometimes one needs to take a break from being classy.  This is Classy Lee off the clock:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfCeEZX-bu8[/youtube]

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19Oct/09Off

Classy Cooking Review

Grundle:
"You know what's worse than cancer?"

Jill:
"This beef stew."

Grundle:
"Ouch. My pride".

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14Oct/09Off

Classy Cooking

After hard day’s work on a cold and rainy day there is nothing like a hot meal. Luckily you had the foresight to make a huge pot of beef stew the night before knowing that it would be the perfect end to such a dreary day. All you need to do is warm it up to the desired dining temperature. The easy method is to do this a bowl at a time, in the microwave, stirring every couple of minutes until it is done. However, you prefer the Classy method.

1. Place the entire pot on the largest burner on your stove.

2. Set the burner to "Cremate".

3. Walk away.

You know what? I broke my stick at hockey the other night. I gotta replace that blade before tonight's game. Heat gun, heat gun. Where did I put the heat gun. Ah, here it is. Whoops. Better get all of that old tape off of there. Wow this glue takes a long time to heat up. Heat up? HEAT UP? OH SHIT!

Get to the stove as fast as possible. This will be difficult as your vision will be impaired by the smoke billowing from the pan. In fact, walking on your knees may be the safe way to go. Abruptly pull the pot from the heat and pear inside. Hmmm, doesn't look to bad in there. Let's give it a stir. It is at this moment that you realize that the bottom of your large stock pot now resembles a three-dimensional topographical map of Patagonia.

The dark smoke flavour of your slurry will be a constant reminder of your kitchen Classiness while you dine.

NOTE: 1.5 tablespoons of salt will not help the taste in your bowl. It just tastes like burnt salt.

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7Oct/09Off

Classy Snacking

Picture this - it's late, you've been drinking, and have not moved from the couch for many hours.  What's the one thing that can force you to get your drunk and lazy ass up and moving?  More booze?  Maybe.  Perhaps grab the TV remote that you threw across the room hours earlier?  Naw, that TV show deserved to have that remote thrown at it for putting that crappy show on in the first place.

So what else is there?  Food, ah yes, wonderful delicious food!  Let's hit the kitchen and see what we've got.  Oh crap, haven't gone shopping in a while, perhaps we should have picked up food when we got booze?  Meh, let's be honest, more money for booze the better ... let's make due with what we've got in the kitchen.

So, what's in the fridge?  Hmm, got some pita bread, some juice, some bread, and string cheese.  What can we do with these?  Hmm ... we've got bread and pepperoni ... pizza perhaps?  Almost but we don't have any shredded cheese; although, we have a chunk of string cheese.  Well, cheese is cheese so this will work.  Let's cook (ok, we already had one person almost burn down the house using the oven, so the microwave will have to do)

0830092111

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28Sep/09Off

Classy Purge

Post all-you-can-eat steakhouse conversation:

Julie:
Seriously.
I think I am going to have a small child bust out of my shirt in a minute.
He is going to be a meat head
All of that food is starting to settle.
I am going to vomit.

Grundle:
Kiss me as soon as you are done.

Julie:
grosso

Grundle:
No. It's Classy.
Ready for a good poop?

Julie:
yep

Grundle:
Kiss me as soon as you are done.
Better yet, kiss me while you poop.
How's that for unconditional love?

Julie: All of that blood from the meat is giving me a sore throat.

Grundle:  My dick was bleeding?

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