Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy


Classy Birthday Decorations

Ever been to a birthday party with a creepy clown, or that magician that kinda reminded you of your creepy, probably pedo uncle with the "molestache"?  I'm sure everyone has at some point in their lives.  One of the novelties of either of these characters is that most of the time they can take your every day balloon and morph it into some sort of creation. Now an every day clown (excuse the pun), can make some sort of animal or other commonplace creation; however, someone with class can take this up a notch.

With this being said, a colleague of ours was celebrating his 40th b-day, and what would be a better way to usher in this occasion than by decorating his desk with a classy balloon creation for the entire company to see.  For those of you who might not see the class in this picture, you might wanna see the movie "Waiting" and find out what "the brain" is.

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Grundle Celebrates

Grundle B-Day

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Have a Classy B-Day!

You say it's your birthday? Your friends have booked a private area of a local club just for you? Well alright, Cinderella. Let's get you ready for the ball.

When heading to a dimly-lit establishment with a dimly-lit clientele, it is best to make sure your friends will be able to spot you from across the room. To achieve this, Classy Lee recommends a shirt with bright, neon, lime-green words ensconced with rhinestones on it. Your Classiness will resemble that of a disco ball as you twirl about the dance floor. Of course, lime green sneakers will complete the ensemble.

Upon arrival to said nightclub, greet all of your guests. A particularly Classy way to do this is by smuggling in your own booze and dispensing shots to each member of your entourage whenever the waitress or security turns their back. Be sure to have a few yourself.

You don't want to seem rude so, be sure to consume every beverage purchased for you on your special day. Undoubtedly you will find yourself having a great deal of energy and diminished feeling of self worth. These are normal effects of alcohol consumption and should be embraced. Use them to your advantage and get out on that dance floor, Travolta!

The combination of drink after drink and your repetitive bouncing, thrusting, and gyrating will make you somewhat of a human cocktail shaker. And, of course, much like the smaller stainless steel version, what goes in, will almost immediately come out post-agitation.

Yup, you got the "Bubble Gut". By now the hot sweats have set in and you know there is no way to get to the bathroom in time. In fact, is there a bathroom? You have no idea, as you have only been at your celebration for 86 minutes.

Vomiting is never fun. But, you can remain Classy through it if you remain calm, collected, subtle, and follow a few steps.

1. Stay close to your group. Preferably surrounded as to not draw attention.
2. Lean forward and let it all out right where you stand.
3. Be cool. You don't want to be caught expelling your illicit booze in this form. That would count as 2 strikes against you at said establishment.
4. Casually move all party members to the opposite side of your private area. Everyone congregating in one half won't arouse suspicion.
5. A pile of vomit will. So, be Classy. Put a standard dining chair over the spill. With the exception of the waitress who will stumble upon it 5 minutes later, stare in horror for 40 seconds, exclaim "I am not cleaning that up", and storm out of the area, no one else will ever know our little secret.
6. Keep drinking. The alcohol will cleanse your breath and soul. So, no one will be the wiser.

Around 2:30 in the AM, the custodial staff will move the chair and say “Man, now that is Classy”.

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Handle Your Child’s Birthday Party the Classy Way

The first thing you’ll want to do is setup your kid’s birthday party at a really classy place. If you are below upper middle class, this means Chuck E Cheese. To stay classy, I recommend the following:

  1. Invite as many children as you can. Remind parents that you are paying for their child only and need a headcount.
  2. Receipts are not required, but remind parents that there is not a “registry” for a child birthday party.
  3. Reduce the headcount by a ratio of at least 1 to 5. ie… you invite 30 kids, get 25 RSVP’s, tell CEC’s employee’s that you will have 15- 20 in the party. This will keep your costs low. If you feel the need to add to your original order, coupons are classy.
  4. When you dress for your child’s party:

Women –

  1. Pants - Wear something tight like spandex. Make sure they are in a bright color and tight enough to show all your curves, pimples, hairs, and dimples. Panties are optional but commando is the preferred look. (Mini-skirts can be worn, but only in the summer months.)
  2. Top – Here you can wear almost any color, but just make sure there is a plunging neckline and it can’t touch your pants. If you can’t show your cleavage when you bend over, then you need to plunge it a little more. Belly shirts are ideal to show off your stretch-marks. This lets everyone know you are a MOM! Don’t forget that muffin tops are all the rage and will never go out of style.
  3. Shoes – High heels. Nothing else is classy.

Men –

  1. Pants – Anything.
  2. Shirt – Anything stained.
  3. Shoes – Dark socks and sandals are preferred, but anything will work.
  4. Showering is completely optional.

Let’s face it, you shouldn’t even be there. Children's b-day parties at Chuck E Cheese are not classy for men unless you are a single dad - then dress like you would at home. Classy guys ooze classiness.

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Happy Classy B-Day

Nothing really says "I care" (with class of course) more than a personalized b-day cake to the birthday guy/girl in your life. Make sure when you go to the bakery you do the following:

-Show up last minute, the bakery people love to be rushed and would love to fill your cake order...they're usually sitting around doing nothing anyway
-Make sure you pick out something really off kilter or offensive to put on the cake, as they are usually more than willing to put something like "biitch" on the cake
-Pay with pocket change only, this will ensure that the bakery doesn't have to go through the hassle of breaking open those quarter, dime, nickel, and penny rolls in the bottom the cashier drawer

For an example of a classy b-day cake, see below.


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