Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy


Classy Bathroom Propositioning

What is one of the best places in the world to create or have a classy encounter?  The answer to this is a men's restroom at the bar, specifically at a "dive" bar - you know, the kind that has all sorts of classy writing on the wall such as "Bill sucks balls" or "For a good time call..."

In the not too distant past in a rest room in the classy community of Riverview, one of my friend's Andrew had a run-in with one of Downriver's finest personalities while "draining the weasel" in the stall. The conversation went something similar to this:

Guy peeing at the urinal: Hey, how's it going over there?

Andrew: Uhhh, OK.

Guy peeing at the urinal: So, you feel like playing swords?

Andrew: Uhh, not really. Not in the mood tonight.

Guy peeing at the urinal: Well, that's OK. Sometimes my son and I play swords. He thinks its fun.

Andrew: .........

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Muskrat Jack

Losing hair is just a natural part of life for most men.  ONe can approach it in one of three ways: Rock the "Bozo the Clown" look with dignity, shave one's head, or purchase a toupee.   We suggest that if you do decide a "rug" is for you, make sure the color is spot on and the look is seamless.

Recently at a local bar we ran into someone that purchased their new "rug" from a local Walmart Supercenter.  These fine hair pieces are taken from natural Michigan squirrel and muskrats so you know its quality is superb.

In a sly attempt to capture a picture of Muskrat Jack we were caught!  The picture attempt and the laughing that ensued did not sit well and we had to leave.

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Picking Up the Tab, the Classy Way

When you're out at the bar on any given night, it's always a good gesture to pick up a drink or the entire tab for a good friend, family member, colleague, etc.  It's usually a very good idea when your friend had just finished with a musical performance, won the big game for the team, or some BS that that makes them seem more important than everyone else at the time.

Well, here's a short story about how one of my close friend's family members classed up the evening by buying his cousin a drink:

Cousin: Hey, great show tonight, let me buy you a shot and a beer!!
Dave: Sounds good

Cousin: I'd like two beers and two shots of Jack please
Waitress: That will be $20, please.

Cousin: **Throws down a $5 bill and looks at Dave** Ugh, yeaa, that's all I got...can you pick the rest of this up?
Dave: Classy...real classy.

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Classy Brewery

In my many travels around the U.S. I've been to many states and many places.  Most of those places I've been to usually involve me seeking beer, finding beer, and then drinking beer.  Let's face it, beer is classy, it makes you classy, it makes your friends classy, and it's usually the catalyst of most classy behavior.  I mean hey, if wrestling in the middle of the bar with your friends isn't classy, I don't know what is.

Now there are many bars, pubs, clubs, etc. that are classy, but how can you be sure you're in a truly classy bar?  Well, take a tip from our friends at Fort Street Brewery in Lincoln Park, MI.  If you haven't been to Lincoln Park, I highly suggest it, as the females of LP love to wear pajama pants at all hours of the day.  Since Fort Street Brewery makes their own beer (duh!) they get to name the beer (duh, again!).  The following title defines their latest classy brew, "Women drink fruit beer and lose their panties! Film at 11!" Not only is this title as classy as the inhabitants of LP, but it's written in giant pink letters on the chalk board for for everyone to see.  They obviously want to show the world how classy their brew is and keep people coming back for more.

I don't know about anyone reading this post, but I know where I'll be when this fine specimen of a beer is available to the public!

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Ypsi Glory Hole

For anyone who's ever lived in Ypsilanti, you should know that the inhabitants of the city definitely know how to raise the bar of classiness. Even I am enamored by the countless displays that I see every time I'm in the area.

One night at the bar (where else would I be?) I stumbled upon either the classiest glory hole in Ypsi. That, or the elephant man finally found a new way to get off.  See below.


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Classy Digestion

What's the best way to tell if you had a good Friday night out on the town, or a failure of someone mistaking roofies for ex-lax?  We're not entirely sure, but if you read the quote below it may offer you a bit of insight:

"Dude, I think someone slipped me slow release ex-lax on Friday night at the bar. My ass has been pissing since then."

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Keeping The Pub Classy

If you're an Irish bloke, in an Irish pub, drinking an Irish beer, it's important to remember the importance of respecting your roots and continuing to remain Classy.

Step 1 - Drink 5 pints of ale. Brand is totally up to you.

Step 2 - Realize that you are beginning to get inebriated and decide you like it.

Step 3 - Start combing shots of Jameson with each pint. (Mmmmmm Jameson. Brown, mellow, smooth, beautiful. What's that? You want me to drink you? I really shouldn't. No, I'm not afraid. Don't take that tone with me. I know we've been through this... How dare you cut me off! No. No. No. OK. You're right. I'm sorry. No, you're right. It won't happen again. I love you. I need you. I want you inside me. I... ah fuck it . Aaaaaahhhhh)

Step 4 - When the rest of your party leaves, nuzzle up to the bar by yourself.

Step 5 - Remain Classy by not drinking alone. You don't want to look like a drunk do you? Call a buddy to come up to spend time with you.

Step 6 - Force him to drink with you. You don't want to look like a drunk do you?

Step 7 - Hit on every woman within a 5 ft. radius. They will surely be impressed with your ability to yell at them and by your fragrant breath.

By now you are undoubtedly having a great time. Other patrons of the pub more than likely are as well. Couldn't hurt to share joy with each other, could it now?

What luck, this establishment has a banquet room. Is that an engagement party? Resplendent. This is a perfect time to display your Classiness with the betrothed couple. Classy Lee suggests running into the room and jumping into family pictures with grandparents and the young bride-to-be. Be sure to ignore her angry jibes. She is not as Classy as you are. Attempt to befriend her grandfather. After all, he is likely paying part of the tab. This strategy will probably fail. Not everyone understands true Classiness.

Make your exit rapidly and retake your position on your 48" throne overlooking your kingdom of bottles and taps. Here you are truly king. This would be a good time to address your loyal subjects:

Grundle (standing on bar stool and yelling): "Whomever decided to bathe in perfume you over did it and you are stinking up the entire pub".

Lady (at next stool): "Actually, that's me."

Grundle: "Really? No offence lady but you fucking reek. I am stuffed up from drinking, the bar is full of cigar and cigarette smoke, and all I can smell is your stinky perfume."

Stinky Lady: "Well, I guess you have never shopped an Von Maur."

Grundle (confused by her statement): "Not if it fucking smells like that".

Stinky Lady: "Well don't worry. I am leaving."

Grundle: "Please do. You stink. Nice hound’s-tooth jacket, by the way."

Giggle to yourself when you realize that "leaving" means returning to the fore-mentioned engagement party.

Truly you have set this marriage out onto a Classy path.

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A classy observation

While visiting a bar it is always important to observe your surroundings carefully and make quiet judgments of situations.  During a current trip to the bar Classy Lee observed a "15 top" enjoying some beverages and apps.  Classy Lee promptly turned to Danger and said "Meh it looks like a retirement party."

Danger somewhat puzzled responds back with "Why? Is there a retirement sign?"

"No, just looks like a retirement party" answered Classy Lee.

Danger still quite confused asks "And what does a typical retirement party look like?

"Like that, you know people of all ages" answered Classy Lee.

Using this logic, suggests that when a group of random aged people are mingling at an establishment, walking up to the eldest and wishing them a happy retirement is a classy move.

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Class up a visit to the bar

We have all been to those bars where every server is "in to you" and every 2 seconds you are asked to purchase a shot for your group. suggests to never give into this form of peer pressure.

Recently Classy Lee and Danger were enjoying some delicious beverages when a server asked us to buy shots.  This server was not convincing enough so Classy Lee and Danger politely declined.  Her friend came over to the table to discuss the situation and jokingly called the original server a "shot bitch".

Normally this is playful fun but always suggest to class it up to the next level.  As soon as server B finished calling server A "shot bitch", Classy Lee follows up with: "Yea, remove the shot part".  This is a great way to show server B just how unconvincing server A was.

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