Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy

21Jul/11Off

Innovation: The Classy Way

Alton Brown said it best when he coined the phrase "There are no uni-taskers in my kitchen". Finding secondary uses for items one already owns adds cost-effectiveness and efficiency to today's fast-paced life. This creative way of thinking has led many great men and women to find new uses for existing tools or engineer improvements to them to better humankind. Where would we be without the addition of the eraser to the pencil? The claw to the the hammer? To a lesser extent, how about the spork? Yes, innovative thinking has taken us far into what we know as modern society.

Innovation is ever evolving. Even organic, if you will. Today's technically minded soul can find ways to make even the simplest of items "Classy".

Now, innovation can not support itself in a Classy environment. Common sense will usually step in and protect it from Class. This is where your Class gets a boost from his good ole buddies Irrational Spontaneity & Unsatisfied Curiosity. This is the emotional jetpack that you feel in the pit of your stomach fighting common sense, causing sweating spells, and ending with a trip to the ER. Embrace it. It fuels Class. This is the exact cocktail one needs to walk on the grass, push the red button, or enter the foreboding door. And speaking of cocktails, several of those will help, too.

For example: You decide to go take a shower. You get naked. Feelin a bit tipsy? No worries, a shower always helps. Oops, you tripped on your way to the bathroom. It's okay. You didn't fall. Nothing hurt but your pride a little. What the hell was that that you tripped over? Oh, the central vacuum hose. Probably should have put that away after cleaning the bedroom. Still feeling tipsy? Yep. Too much? Too little? Or just the right amount to be feeling frisky and Classy. Oh, yeah. That's it.

Say, that vacuum is kinda phallic. And it has a hole. And suction. Speaking of magic combinations...

Now that the head of your penis is suctioned to the end of the hose, you realize the hole is way too small and this is probably not going to work. All you have accomplished is recreating the sound of someone desperately slurping through a straw to savor that last drop of "Mountain Dew". It is at this time you also realize that the vacuum hose has a dial to increase the suction. Maybe that will help. Let's give it a little twist.

...to maximum power.

You will now notice that your spleen has decided to escape the confines of your abdomen and is making break for it by way of your urethra. The whistling you hear is air permeating through your anus in the wrong direction. That problem will solve itself as your asshole slams shut upon a butt-cheek getting lodged in it. With your biological pressure relief valve officially on the disabled list, the vacuum is now free to choke down your member like a goose with a pretzel rod. The vibrations you feel are your testicles slapping against your grundle (heh) with blinding fury.

It is at this point you realize that this may be a failed experiment and go for the power button and the suction adjustment dial.

Now released from the apparatus, you are free to run in circles shouting "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!".

Congratulations, you have earned a "purple heart". You will receive it the following morning once all of the damaged blood vessels have finished bleeding out.

Human ingenuity will take us far. We will always have the innovative to survey inventions like the centralized vacuum system and say "Oh, how nice. That is an efficient way to clean my floor. And what a nice selling feature". Whereas his/her Classier counterpart would say "Oh hell yeah! I know can fuck that."

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