Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy


Classy Marketing

The secret to any successful film is the merchandising behind it. Selling shirts, mugs, toys, video games, etc. will net millions of dollars to the shrewd business person.

Even in the case of a low-grossing film, the Classy entrepreneur can still pull in record profits if (A) you know your audience and (B) are willing to compromise any morals you may have to sell the same item to children, adult males, and perverse authors of observationally humorous blogs.

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Grilled Classiness

Over the centuries, many great countries have provided important contributions to the culinary world. The grand ole USA is no exception. While imitated and duplicated a plethora of times with many finer ingredients, there is just no substitute for cheap white bread, butter, and Kraft processed American style cheese food product. AKA - The Grilled Cheese.

Even the most snobby of food critics cannot deny the subtle complexities of this succulent fare.

More important than the simplicity of said delicacy is the simplicity of preparation. Any man woman or child can handle the assembly. In fact, I am sure I need not post the instructions as all Classy Lee readers have it down by now.

However, as with most things (and people) there are exceptions. Below you will find the step-by-step instructions for making the exact opposite of what is detailed above. No, this is not "High Class" Grilled cheese composed of aged Vermont cheddar, apple smoked bacon, ripe Roma tomatoes, on a canvas of warm multi-grain Artisan bread. While that does have its place and is wonderful experience, it is still not the Classic fore-mentioned treat. Instead, I give you the instructions for the "Classy" abomination that destroyed the last stitch of faith I had in American craftsmanship.

1. The bread - Wheat. Not real wheat. Rather, the bastardized version that NASCAR fans refer to as wheat. Basically Wonder bread with some grit and brown coloring added. "Hillbilly" is an exceptional choice here.

2. Crock margarine. Brand is irrelevant. Just be sure to let it sit in a warm room for 6 hours prior to use.

3. Cheese - Be sure it has no name brand. Not store brand. That is still too good. Look on the very bottom shelf. Most major grocers carry a brand devoid of flavor and nutrition that simply says "cheese product". Matter of fact, I don't think cash can be used to purchase it. Only WIC coupons will be accepted should you wish to procure it.

Now, assemble the ingredients in the standard fashion taking care to use 2 pieces of cheese and margarine on both sides of the bread.

Apply to heat. Preferably a low heat so it takes 15 minutes to brown 1 side of the sandwich but not enough heat to permeate the bread and melt the cheese.

I cannot stress enough the importance of the last step. For had the cheese melted, I would have had difficulty peeling the two slices apart from each other to remove the long, thick black hair that was sandwiched in the middle of the sandwich.
You mother fucker. You stole my innocence. I know who you are and you will pay dearly. So so dearly...

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Class Up Your Ride

As a country of consumers, most of us are aware of the large costs associated with "pimping one's ride". The amount of necessary revenue needed for dubs (rims to the layperson), paint and detailing alone can swallow up the weekly fry-cook's salary in only one shopping trip to your local automotive parts retailer.

Now for the truly Classy artist, a little ingenuity goes a long way.  A thousand and how many uses?

"Can't fix it, "duc" it. Can't "duc" it, fuck it".

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Classy Bike Ride

I prefer to ride my bike in order to stay in shape. Living in the suburbs of the Motor City presents some difficulties for this since the road infrastructure was never designed to accommodate bicycles safely on major roads (thanks auto companies for years of lobbying). I have to carefully plan my routes in order to stay on what I would consider safe roads for cycling. Some auto owners fail to realize the issues cyclists face and think that the roads only belong to cars. It is OK. I understand. People need a safe haven to drive distracted while texting on their new iPhones with a bad signal. Is this not what America is all about?

During a recent bike ride I was traveling down a 25 MPH street heading up to a stop light. I was behind two cars. Another car pulls up behind me shortly after I stop and honks the horn. I look back to see who it was and realize that the person was honking at me. Maybe my bright orange shirt was making me too visible for that driver to handle. As the light turns green and traffic starts moving, the driver pulls up next to me and yells, "You're not a car." Before I could reply with, "You're not a car either," the guy drove away.

Maybe he was upset that I was accelerating as fast as his PT Cruiser on my bike (no offense Grundle).

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