Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy


Classy Art

Art comes in many forms. It is sometimes difficult to gain the artist's perspective. Fortunately, criticism also comes in many forms. Despite the 2 professions always being at odds, they do share a symbiotic relationship that is indispensable for the third party viewer to gain said insight.

In the following example, you can see how the two have related to each other in an effort to help the purveyor of the work. In this case yours truly. The artist (known here as the "Urinal Muralist") has arranged a timeless piece known as "Solitary on Chrome". For weeks this dramatic work sat only noticed by a few of the local patrons of the 4th floor museum.

Eventually, a local critic took notice and composed a retrospective of his interpretation of the piece. Having done so the rest of us finally were able to get a sense of the creator's ability to express his most inner feelings and an interpretative of what he wanted to instill in the rest of us.

To you both I offer thanks on behalf of those of us sans artistic talent or insight. After all, nothing is more Classy than art.

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Classy Ride


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Happy St. Pats Day from Sourdough Joe


Classy Ice Cream Bars

Klondike bars are disgusting. On a scale of disgusting things, I would rank Klondike bars between Classy Lee's laundry pile (it is actually turning in to a cave now) and Nickelback. There was a box of these crap-filled chocolate bricks in the freezer the other day (the Klondike bars, not Nickleback) which I would have looked past without a second thought had my sweet tooth not been jonesing. I had not been grocery shopping in a little while and the snack foods were pretty much consumed. I normally do not eat junk food, but for some reason a Klondike bar was calling my name. I managed to consume an entire bar. I do not know why my fight-or-flight response did not kick in while eating this sad excuse for ice cream. I should have taken one bite and threw the rest in the trash.

Enter Danger.

Danger loves these things. Along with Taco Bell and Mountain Dew, Klondike bars are among his favorite gourmet foods. Who could argue that? Ice cream made with spoiled milk, "natural flavors", and chocolate found in a dumpster can only satisfy the taste buds of someone so attuned to processed foods. Danger and I actually got in an argument about Klondike bars after I was saying how horrible they taste. Already a few shades to the wind, Danger interrupts mid-rebuttal and yells, "It's the experience! It's like being in the Klondikes!"

I suppose eating a Klondike bar would be comparable to being in a cold, barren, and abandoned area of the Yukon territory. I would say that is spot-on. Touché Danger.

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Class Up Your Shitter

Taking a shit may very well be one of life's largest burdens. Additionally, let's face it, it is not what one would consider Classy. First of all, it involves shit. Secondly there is pushing and grunting. Thirdly, you have to rub your hand around within the confines of your ass protected by a mere layer of tissue. Lastly, there is a level of intense boredom that comes with the whole experience.

Sure you could argue that last point. Perhaps a book, a newspaper, pocket video game, your BlackBerry (everyone loves to receive a shit-text), a puzzle book. All of these are great solutions to the great problem. But, where do you put your media? The floor probably has piss on it. Perhaps worse if you are the type to try shitting in your shower (Doesn’t work, btw. Those of you not new to this site are already aware of difficulties that will propagate if attempted). You could put a small table next to your toilet. But, it will undoubtedly get knocked over. At the very least, you will bang your elbow on it and curse your ignorance.

How to solve this dilemma? That is the question at hand. Perhaps a desk of sorts. Yes, an elevated platform secured to the opposite wall. This will allow you the ability to prop up and store all reading materials that you may need during your daily constitutional. It will also provide a static podium for crosswords, the Jumble, or coloring books. No more going out of the lines for you!

But, why stop there? The Classy engineer will say “this is just not enough”. How about a pair of hinged supports at the bottom? This will allow the user to stow his/her periodicals out of the way when not in use. The extra 1.5 gained inches will surely provide ample wiping room. No poopy fingers for clever industrialists like yourself.

Bask in the warmth of Classy pride as you smirk knowingly the next time one of your guests says “Can I use your shitter? I got a crap on deck that would choke a walrus!” For soon he too will know that you are a true pioneer of Classiness.

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Classy Dishwashing

I have wrote about many situations involving my current classy roommates, both of which write for this site (if you want to call it writing). These guys are not the first "classy" roommates I have had. In fact, I have been exposed to quite a few questionable roommates during my years in college. For the most part while in college I lived with three guys in four bedroom apartments. In retrospect, it really sucked. Typically, out of my three roommates only one of them was sane. The other two did things in those apartments that would make an otherwise calm, collected, level-headed, and not-a-neurotic-psychopath-with-urges-to-cause-mass-destruction-tenant (guess who) want to become a neurotic-psychopath-with-urges-to-cause-mass-destruction-tenant.

I recall one day wondering to where a number of my dishes had disappeared. For weeks I could not find my missing dishes, until one day I decided to do some hardcore cleaning and found a plastic grocery bag buried in the far depths of the cabinet under the sink. Lo and behold, this grocery bag contained month-old dishes with caked on food and unknown lifeforms growing about without fear of dish detergent. It appeared that one of my classy roommates forgot that in order to clean dishes, they must be washed with soap and water instead of festering in a plastic bag under the sink. What a silly mistake. This sort of thing happens to the best of us I am sure. Unfortunately, the roommate that did this had already moved out of the apartment. It is too bad, because I really wanted to let him know what a silly mistake he made.

This little debacle is only the tip of the iceberg. Along with leaving the oven on all of the time, not flushing the toilet after dropping wicked deuces, packing my bathroom full of people I did not know to smoke questionable substances, leaving the door unlocked which resulted in a break-in, and having the worst thermostat obsessive-compulsions I had ever seen, my old roommates were as classy as classy could get. I had the pleasure of dealing with three different sets of classy roommates over the span of six semesters in college, each of which progressively worsened my faith in humanity and accelerated my misanthropic tenancies.

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Class Up Self Gratification While On the Go

Who was it that said, "money for nothing, chicks for free"?  Well I'm not sure and I'm too lazy to consult the Google machine, and I know who ever said it was living in a complete drug and alcohol induced fantasy world.  Let's be honest here, if money was free I wouldn't drag my ass out of bed five days a week to go to work, and further more I can 100% tell you now that there isn't any chick on the face of this planet that doesn't come without some sort of price tag.

With that being said, since chicks aren't free and your time is money getting a little piece of some "action" while you're on a budget can be well, pretty damn impossible.  Sometimes you have to resort to self gratification in order to get a "load" off of your mind.  While this is definitely classy, you can always excel to a new level of classiness.  First off an urge can hit at any time, and when business needs to be taken care of, it needs to be taken care of in a hurry.  Now remember, your on a budget and your time is limited, how can we get around this issue while being classy all at the same time?  Let's take a look at what we can do with some items found around the house and/or the office.

Stainless steel travel coffee mug - As cool as these look, the insulation is pretty terrible; however, "clean-up" will be a breeze.
Half a grape fruit - As acidic as this might be, the flesh-like color definitely gives something to the imagination.
Bottle of lotion - Do I really need to explain this?

Take the said three items and put them together and you get an impromptu flesh-light!  You should be proud of your new and innovative's now time to get to "work"; however, you might wanna have something close by to sooth the burning from having penetrated a grapefruit.

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Crosby Is Not Classy

Sidney Crosby is a pussy.