Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy

26Feb/10Off

Classy Birthday Decorations

Ever been to a birthday party with a creepy clown, or that magician that kinda reminded you of your creepy, probably pedo uncle with the "molestache"?  I'm sure everyone has at some point in their lives.  One of the novelties of either of these characters is that most of the time they can take your every day balloon and morph it into some sort of creation. Now an every day clown (excuse the pun), can make some sort of animal or other commonplace creation; however, someone with class can take this up a notch.

With this being said, a colleague of ours was celebrating his 40th b-day, and what would be a better way to usher in this occasion than by decorating his desk with a classy balloon creation for the entire company to see.  For those of you who might not see the class in this picture, you might wanna see the movie "Waiting" and find out what "the brain" is.

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24Feb/10Off

Classy Toilet Paper

Toilet paper is a necessity in any home. Let me repeat: TOILET PAPER IS A NECESSITY IN ANY HOME. If you are running low on TP, you should probably go to the store and buy some. If you are completely out of TP, go to the store now. It is cheap. If you receive a steady income you can afford TP, even if it is the commercial-grade sandpaper stuff that the bathrooms at work utilize. Buying TP is a simple concept, is it not?

According to my classy roommates, buying TP is about as low on the priority list as doing laundry that is six months old or getting around to writing new articles for ClassyLee.com. My two classy roommates and I have typically pitched in money to buy TP in bulk at the local bulk market because it, A.) Saves money (very important to some), and B.) Reduces the amount of grocery store trips needed to buy TP. The three of us each have our own bathrooms and split up the TP supply evenly. I realized we were running low on TP a few weeks ago since someone took one of my rolls. I had about two rolls left in my bathroom while one of my roommates had zero. Since I went to the store last to buy TP, I figured someone else could carry out the task for this round. As a social experiment, I did not say anything. I was waiting to see if someone would have spoken up about the low supply of TP. Nobody had said anything. About two weeks ago, I noticed that one of the bathrooms had no TP. I also noticed that paper towel was being used up quite frequently. After some serious brainstorming I correlated my two observations and realized that one of my classy roommates had been using very rough yet absorbent paper towel instead of soft and non-toilet-clogging toilet paper. In the mean time, since I was fresh out, I secretly purchased a 9-pack of TP and kept it hidden in the house where nobody else could find it.

Hilarity ensued.

I am sitting in the living room watching TV when I see one of my classy roommates hobble out of the bathroom mid-dump and run back in with a few sheets of paper towel.

Shortly after I called out my roommates about their lack of initiative to buy TP and told them that I am not buying the next batch. Why did I not say anything in the first place about the low TP supply? The fact of the matter is, I am moving out of this house in a month since I bought one of my own, so frankly, I could just care less. Plus, it is funny to see what kind of classiness my roommates can come up with in dire situations.

22Feb/10Off

Fan-Submitted Story: Classy Introduction

My boyfriend introduced me to total strangers as, 'the chick I’m banging'.

Enough said.

"D"

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17Feb/10Off

Classy Search Phrases II

What the hell is wrong with you people? Why would you come to our site after searching for this:



15Feb/10Off

Classy Pussies

A bunch of fucking pussies who are clearly not real men decided to hike an island in the northern part of Lake Superior. They cried and whined like a bunch of bitches the whole time. Then they got sick on the boat on the way back. I, not being a pussy, swam back to the mainland in the storm. In fact, I was towing the boat cuz the captain could not navigate the storm. Had to side stroke cuz my other hand was holding my bike. Some say swimming in a parka is dumb. I personally like the extra drag. Again, not a fucking pussy.

Upon reaching the mainland, these pussies kept crying and attempted to calm their stomachs with crackers. Exactly what I would expect from either a carload of pregnant women with synced-up morning sickness or a carload of fucking pussies.

14Feb/10Off

Happy Valentine’s Day From Sourdough Joe

12Feb/10Off

Classy Ice Scraper

The work day is over and a snowstorm had begun in the Detroit area. Two of my classy co-workers leave the office at the same time and head outside to scrape the snow and ice off of their cars. Co-worker A finished scraping off about half of his windshield, when lo and behold co-worker B realizes he does not have an ice-scraper. He comes over to co-worker A and borrows his ice-scraper. Mind you, co-worker A's car still only has half of a windshield cleared. Co-worker B, on a Muscle Milk and Potbelly's induced rage, absolutely shatters the borrowed ice-scraper against his own windshield, thinking that intimidating the snow and ice with brute force and threatening grunts would somehow make the removal of said snow and ice more efficient. With complete disregard to co-worker A's sudden quandary, co-worker B hands back the small plastic tip of the ice-scraper that survived, gets in his car with severely limited visibility*, drives by and gives the finger to co-worker A, and heads home. Co-worker A is left with a broken ice-scraper, a car covered in snow and ice, and very little dignity to spare.

*Driving with 6 inches of snow on your roof and hood with only a small hole of cleared ice on your windshield is not a classy way to drive home.

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8Feb/10Off

Classy Screwdriver Thief

In a previous position at my current place of employment, I used to work on computers. I kept a toolkit in my desk whenever I needed to replace hardware on a PC. In that toolkit was a blue-handled Phillips screwdriver with a slightly worn tip. I considered this screwdriver to be the most important tool in my kit, given that it was the most frequently used tool to service the computers for which I was responsible. One day my screwdriver went missing. I figured someone in the IT department must have borrowed it and never returned it. I wrote it off as a loss. It was just a cheap Chinese knockoff brand screwdriver, much unlike the good Craftsman products from Sears that do not wear out so easily. I realize that some Craftsman products are made in China now, but my good Craftsman screwdrivers were made by good old fashioned hardworking Americans (robot assembly lines), but I digress.

Fast forward 18 months.

I am at home one afternoon and happened to walk through Classy Lee's Burrow of Class, (this would normally be the living room but ended up being assimilated Borg-style and filled with random junk owned by Classy Lee, hence the name Classy Lee's Burrow of Class) and I stumbled upon my missing screwdriver. After I spent minutes grieving over the loss of my screwdriver many months ago, I come to find that Classy Lee took it from my desk without asking or telling me about it, took it home with him, did God knows what to it, and brought the tool he knowingly took from me to the same place of residence that we currently share, and expected me not to notice. When confronting him about it, Classy Lee simply responds, "I was going to gift wrap it for you."

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5Feb/10Off

Fan-Submitted Story: Classy Cat Lady

My cat was due for her annual checkup. Her name is ‘Squidward Tenticat’ - any SpongeBob fan would appreciate the creativity and sheer wittiness that went into her name. I still had the cardboard “I Love my Pet’ carrier from when I rescued her from the pet shelter last December. I finally went to the store to purchase a more classy pet carrier.  I got home and it took me nearly 20 minutes to put the thing together because the plastic pegs that went through the slots to hold the top and bottom together were larger than the openings for the pegs. After much foul language the project was completed and I was running late for the appointment. Then, for the life of me, I could not get Squidward into the new classy carrier so I ended up using the cardboard “I Love my Pet’ carrier anyways.

I arrive at the vet to have them ask me if I remembered to bring a fecal sample. No I didn’t. No one told me to bring one and it’s not a habit for me to carry poo around. I go into the room and Squidward now refuses to get out of the box. It’s not our first trip here obviously. As soon as I get her out of the box she poos on the table. Well, there’s your fecal sample.

Squidward has had a poky thing on her butt for a couple weeks now. The vet informs me it’s a plugged scent gland, similar to how a skunk sprays scent. After the vet unplugged it I could see the reasoning for the comparison. P.U. Along with the poo on the table, the unplugged scent gland, and the $116 vet bill, I thought my day couldn’t get any better.

I get back home and Squidward is not happy. She’s making the unhappy meow sound, so I go to the back room and pick her up and carry her to the living room. As soon as I get to the living room, she poo’s – it bounces off of me and onto the floor. Fantastic. After this chain of events I’m hungry. I go to Subway get my lunch "to go", go home to eat, blah blah blah. Later in the afternoon I put my hand in my hoody pocket and come across a squishy substance. Hmmm, I don’t remember having anything in my pocket. Oh, classy - it’s a lump of cat poo. I’ve been walking around with cat poo in my pocket for half of the day.

"D"

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3Feb/10Off

Classy Delivery

With the busy lifestyle of today's American, it is difficult at best to find even a few minutes to eat lunch; let alone go out to a nice restaurant and sit down. Fortunately, we live in a time of delivery services.

Delivery is not exactly a new concept. Homemakers relied on many services for decades throughout the 20th century. Sure the services and products have changed but, the general idea is still there. Can't get to what you need? We will bring it to you for a nominal fee. Things like milk, diapers, and ice have all been replaced by the two car family, the minivan, modern refrigeration, the Internet, and women in the workplace. This revolution has given birth to a new form of delivery. What was once simple ingredients is now full complete meals that are hot & ready to eat.

The availability of said services has also created exciting career opportunities for many out-of-work dishwashers that have been replaced by the new high-tech machines. With little more than an automotive operator's license and some acceptable degree of eyesight, virtually anyone can make the journey down this path to a brilliant future serving their fellow man. Only a few simple steps need be followed:

1. Purchase a vehicle that belonged to someone from the generation that preceded your own. Be sure the vehicle was a hand-me-down during that person's adolescence.

1a. Check the accelerator. It should work digitally. On or off. Nothing in between. You will need the ability to get to 60 mph while driving through corporate parking lots.

1b. An exhaust leak is also mandatory. This is the only way to let pedestrians know you are coming as the horn button is still attached to the driver-side air bag that was stolen while said vehicle was in the previous owner's possession.

2. A hoody. Be sure the garment's namesake feature be drawn at all times. This will hide your face & help your customer recognize you as either the delivery guy or the perp that mugged him/her outside of the last baseball game he/she attended downtown.

3. Your sedentary uncle's pants. The loose fit will give you ample cargo space for the vast amount of tips you will undoubtedly receive. The weight of all of that cash MUST be the reason they keep drooping to the point of displaying your paisley cotton boxers.

4. Class. Upon exiting your vehicle with your client's culinary provisions in tow, use your free hand to close one nostril and exhale abruptly through the unconstrained one. Yarns of nasal bodaggits will immediately be dispelled. Now switch hands and repeat on the other side. The remaining afterbirth can be wiped away with your hands and sleeves. Do not be alarmed if some of your mucus clings to the outside of the food container(s) like remora.
This works in your favor as your Class becomes evident when the stowaways migrate from container to customer before their very eyes.

Ignore any complaints they have. Chances are they ordered "butt-pickles" in the first place.

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