Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy

30Oct/09Off

Classy MuzaK

If you are the proprietor of a small business, it is important to consider ambiance for your patrons. A pleasing and comfortable environment will certainly make your customers feel content and at ease. They will remember their positive experience and undoubtedly return in the near future.

The easiest way to accomplish this is simply by piping in some music. Something upbeat and happy. The kind of music that makes you happy to be where you are at that exact moment in time. Make sure the music is appropriate for the business. After all, it is a reflection of you and your prospering venture.

Now a personal note:
Dear local purveyor of smut, lube, and disembodied vaginas,

The next time I am in your shop, I would prefer a different soundtrack to listen to. Mylie Fucking Cyrus is NOT the appropriate theme for choosing between the 8" silicone curved dildo with vibrating dolphin attachment and the triple ripple vibrating butt-plug. Seriously, what message are you tying to send? Who are your regular customers? I guess the parking lot full of 70's model, windowless, white Chevy vans should have been my first tip. Let it be known, my house does not have a "red dot" on it.

P.S. The cock you sold me caused prostate swelling. May want to add that info to the box.

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28Oct/09Off

Self Motivation

Ever feel like your career is going no where?  Not making any head-way in your personal or professional life?  Well, here's a self motivation technique that may help.  Just mutter this sentence to yourself and you'll be sure to find the motivation that your looking for:

"If I'm doing the same job in the next ten years, I'm going to f**cking hang myself..."

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26Oct/09Off

Classy Sing-Along

Jill (to Collin, her 2 year old son):
"Collin, sing a song about Grundle."

Collin:
"You're a jerk."
"You're a jerk."
"You're a jerk."
"You're a jerk."
"You're a jerk."

Grundle:
"Ouch, my pride."

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23Oct/09Off

Ypsi Glory Hole

For anyone who's ever lived in Ypsilanti, you should know that the inhabitants of the city definitely know how to raise the bar of classiness. Even I am enamored by the countless displays that I see every time I'm in the area.

One night at the bar (where else would I be?) I stumbled upon either the classiest glory hole in Ypsi. That, or the elephant man finally found a new way to get off.  See below.

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21Oct/09Off

Classy Renovations

While traveling for long periods of time through the wilderness, one tends to miss certain comforts from home. A few of the small things that can brighten your mood are a bed, a warm shower, or the taste of a fresh beer. As you pass through a civilized area you may decide to procure the fore-mentioned luxuries. Perhaps a nice motel room and a six pack of a locally brewed ale.

You retire to your warm room for the evening with nothing but the thought of sipping that beer while the hot water of the shower cascades down your back.

As the water warms up, you grab a beer and attempt to twist the cap off. Unfortunately, you purchased this specific brew because you thought the label was cool and paid no attention to the fact that it required a bottle opener. Of course, the opener was not one of those home comforts you bothered to get.

A normal person would head back out to the store and pick up an opener. You, however, are not normal. You take the Classy approach.

As you walk around the room looking for something to pop the top of your malted hops, you remember that there is a small shelf over the sink in your bathroom. Surely you can use it to get your awaiting beverage open.

Place the lip of the cap on the edge of the shelf.
With hard downward force, strike the cap of the bottle.
As the bottle is forced down onto the static surface, the cap should pop right off. This, however, only happens in a perfect you world. You reside in a Classy one.

At this time, the shelf has crashed to the floor and now has a chunk about the size of 4 bottle-cap teeth missing from its left side. The beer is still sealed.

You now have two problems. Your beer is still undrinkable and bathroom fixtures have ceased to be just that. Fortunately, you are as resourceful as you are Classy.

Slide the shelf back to its place of origin.
What luck, it is staying despite the anchor holes being large enough to hold a roll of quarters. You place the small stack of plastic cups back on the shelf. They can't possibly weigh more than 1oz. so, really, what could be the harm?

The shelf makes its second introduction to the linoleum tile below.

Pay special attention to where the cups have gone. Mustering your Lego and Tinker-Toy skills from your youth, you will need the cups to complete the impending repair to the room.

shelf

True Classiness will be obtained when you tell your travel companions the story and they remind you that the 3 of you are on a backpacking trip and are all carrying a "Leatherman" type multi-tool, complete with bottle opener.

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19Oct/09Off

Classy Cooking Review

Grundle:
"You know what's worse than cancer?"

Jill:
"This beef stew."

Grundle:
"Ouch. My pride".

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16Oct/09Off

Always Classy to Save Your Leftovers

Ah, what could be better than a nice, icy cold, refreshing beer after a long day at work? What happens when you don't feel like drinking an entire beer? Sometimes you just want a little taste or just don't feel like drinking an entire can.  Fear not, for technology has graced us with modern refrigeration and other preservation methods for saving that premium beverage for later. The conucopia of flavors that will be absorbed though the wide mouth of the beer can will provide you with the sensation that you have completed a seven course meal with a single gulp.

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14Oct/09Off

Classy Cooking

After hard day’s work on a cold and rainy day there is nothing like a hot meal. Luckily you had the foresight to make a huge pot of beef stew the night before knowing that it would be the perfect end to such a dreary day. All you need to do is warm it up to the desired dining temperature. The easy method is to do this a bowl at a time, in the microwave, stirring every couple of minutes until it is done. However, you prefer the Classy method.

1. Place the entire pot on the largest burner on your stove.

2. Set the burner to "Cremate".

3. Walk away.

You know what? I broke my stick at hockey the other night. I gotta replace that blade before tonight's game. Heat gun, heat gun. Where did I put the heat gun. Ah, here it is. Whoops. Better get all of that old tape off of there. Wow this glue takes a long time to heat up. Heat up? HEAT UP? OH SHIT!

Get to the stove as fast as possible. This will be difficult as your vision will be impaired by the smoke billowing from the pan. In fact, walking on your knees may be the safe way to go. Abruptly pull the pot from the heat and pear inside. Hmmm, doesn't look to bad in there. Let's give it a stir. It is at this moment that you realize that the bottom of your large stock pot now resembles a three-dimensional topographical map of Patagonia.

The dark smoke flavour of your slurry will be a constant reminder of your kitchen Classiness while you dine.

NOTE: 1.5 tablespoons of salt will not help the taste in your bowl. It just tastes like burnt salt.

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12Oct/09Off

Grundle Celebrates

Grundle B-Day

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9Oct/09Off

Classy Customer Service

Nothing says quality customer service better than kicking a client's dog behind one's back. If the damn dog does not stop barking, growling, and humping your leg, where do you draw the line? Are you expected to just sit there and take it like a champ? Who gives a shit about that customer. She's only getting cable Internet because it came with a package deal from a shitty local provider (*cough* Comcast *cough*). She can now watch Lifetime all day and then login to Hotmail to forward massive e-mail chains to dozens of friends or else face the consequences of being lonely for 20 years or having a moose shit on her lawn or deal with some other kind of wild e-mail curse. You make your 12 dollars an hour and you are going to quit next week anyway, so who really cares about this customer and her crazy dog? When she leaves the room to go check her lawn for moose shit you take the opportunity to kick that dog and show her who is boss. Now that's classy Comcast service.

With that said, Comcast sucks.