Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy

30Sep/09Off

Classy Purge Part 2

Grundle:
How was your poop?

Julie:
Unsatisfying.
My son came in the room.
I had to cut it short and wipe it deep.

Grundle:

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28Sep/09Off

Classy Purge

Post all-you-can-eat steakhouse conversation:

Julie:
Seriously.
I think I am going to have a small child bust out of my shirt in a minute.
He is going to be a meat head
All of that food is starting to settle.
I am going to vomit.

Grundle:
Kiss me as soon as you are done.

Julie:
grosso

Grundle:
No. It's Classy.
Ready for a good poop?

Julie:
yep

Grundle:
Kiss me as soon as you are done.
Better yet, kiss me while you poop.
How's that for unconditional love?

Julie: All of that blood from the meat is giving me a sore throat.

Grundle:  My dick was bleeding?

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25Sep/09Off

Classy Digestion

What's the best way to tell if you had a good Friday night out on the town, or a failure of someone mistaking roofies for ex-lax?  We're not entirely sure, but if you read the quote below it may offer you a bit of insight:

"Dude, I think someone slipped me slow release ex-lax on Friday night at the bar. My ass has been pissing since then."

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23Sep/09Off

Classy and Unhealthy

Sometimes your friends, family, and/or your significant other might say something to you about your health if you smoke, drink too much, or start putting on weight.  Any time that they choose to harass you while you are drinking (and probably getting fat in the process) you should firmly say the following:

"I'm drinking. I know I'm fat. Fuck off."

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21Sep/09Off

Soothing a Hemorrhoid the Classy Way

At some point in most people's lives they discover something that they really don't want to discover.  No, I'm not talking about finding out that you mom had been blowing your dad right before she gave you a good night kiss (even though that's pretty classy).  I'm talking about having one of man's greatest joys in life ruined by a blood-filled sack.  What is this momentous occasion you ask? And what is ruining it?  The occasion - taking a nice giant crap at some point in the day.  The spoiler - a hemorrhoid!

Apparently 90% of the human population has had one, or will have one at some point in their lives.  The question is, what do you about it when hemorrhoids happen to you?

Option 1: Tucks Medicated pads - They look like the acne pads you used to use on your face as a teenager.  Use of these may result in a shrunken hemorrhoid and/or "pepperoni" free arse.

Option 2: Have it lanced off by your doctor - I don't know about you, but something about my doctor having either a gun or knife near my sphincter would make me bit upset.

Option 3: Frozen Suppository - Nothing says relief like shoving a frozen medicated mini popsicle up your ass, letting it melt, and then dribble outta your bunghole!  To make things really fun, run around while it's melting...it'll probably make you feel like you've got frozen mud-butt.

Last but not least, I was fortunate enough to hear a tid-bit of advice from a fellow colleague of mine who was dealing with this ailment by "buying some oinment, fill a nipple up, shove it up your ass and then let it jizz up in there..."

Classy hemorrhoid treatment or a new way to spend your Saturday night?  You decide.

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19Sep/09Off

Class Up Your Ashtray

Most non-smoking households do not have ashtrays available for obvious reasons. This poses a problem when guests are visiting and one of them is a smoker. Smoking outside will mitigate this issue; however, your guest is classy enough to know better than to put out the ashes on the ground. That would be rude and unsanitary. An empty beer can (preferably something nasty like Coors Light, Miller Light, or any other light beer ever made) makes a great ashtray alternative. The ashes will not burn the metal can and the smell and sight of ashes will be concealed. Your guest can class up the ashtray by using his or her glass bottle of beer (something good like Stella Artois for instance, or a tasty Michigan micro brew) to put out the ashes. Not only will this add some ruffage to the tasty brew, but everyone will know that your guest does not want to be a yuppie beer snob and would prefer to damage a liquid work of art and drink something shitty like light beer instead.

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18Sep/09Off

Classy Grooming

Good hygiene is not only a necessary part of life. It is also a great way to display your Classiness, not so much by just simply looking good, but by displaying the techniques publicly in which you use to make yourself beautiful so that others may learn from you.

This can be a burden considering your lack of time with work, family, and projects around that home that need doing. Classy Lee suggests trying to combine efforts.

After cutting down the dead maple in your yard, you discover the root cause of its demise. Turns out the entire stump is infested with borers. Now you have another problem heaped on. You have the borer infestation, that stump has got to go, and you still resemble a ghetto version of Grizzly Adams. How to solve this quandary, you pontificate.

The answer, use Class.

Fill the void in the center of the stump with a liberal supply of gasoline.
Next, move directly adjacent to the Maple Flambé.
Deftly toss a lit match into the octane soup.
Voila! Three problems solved:

Stump - Burning to ash.
Borers - Crisped to perfection.
Goatee - Gone. Along with several layers of skin, eyebrows, and the hair from within your nostrils if you were Classy enough to inhale while ensconced in fireball. Hey, nose hair can be difficult to trim.

Yes. Nothing says "I am Classy" like a seeping 2nd degree burn under the tip of your nose.

Crater

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17Sep/09Off

Sourdough Joe

Let me tell you about a man I saw on a highway during a road trip in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Let me also set the scenario for you to put things in to context. The UP of Michigan is mostly rural. Two-lane highways make up most of the roads, which are frequently traveled at speeds beyond 60 MPH. There are narrow dirt shoulders in case you have to pull over. You will rarely see someone on the shoulder unless pulled over in a car. It is rather dangerous to travel by other means down these roads because drivers do not expect pedestrians on the highways.

With that said, Grundle, Classy Lee, and I are cruising down a highway up there and see a man riding a mountain bike on the side of the road. He had a giant beard and was wearing a large down parka. It was 65 degrees outside and he was wearing a down parka! The bike had some panniers and a basket full of all kinds of random stuff. The average person would probably think that this guy was either: A: The town drunk, B: Homeless, or C: Looking for ways to save on fuel costs.

Our thoughts did not match up with any of those possibilities. Rather, we collectively decided on one conclusion after seeing that man: He is a badass.

His name: Sourdough Joe

Sourdough Joe is the antithesis of being a pussy. In fact, all that stuff he was carrying on his bike were probably huge lists of people that are pussies. In fact, you are most likely on one of his lists. As we drove by in a car, he probably wrote our names down since traveling in a motorized vehicle is for pussies. We have not confirmed this, but it is plausible that he probably wrote down the following famous badasses: 1.) Chuck Norris, because having a TV show is for pussies. 2.) Jack Bauer, because fiction is for pussies. 3.) Maddox, because the Internet is for pussies. 4.) Teddy Roosevelt ... ah never mind, Teddy is probably his father.

We could not stop and talk to Sourdough Joe because he was too busy being a badass and/or calling people pussies, so we ended up making a small website about him. We had to use a picture we found on Google because photography is apparently for pussies.

http://sourdoughjoe.classylee.com

15Sep/09Off

Class Up Snacks

I came home the other day after running various errands and such looking for a quick and tasty snack. I saw a bag of delicious Meijer brand Jalapeno Kettle Chips sitting on the counter. As I picked up the bag to open it I realized that it did not have any weight to it. There were no chips left in the bag. The only thing inside was a piece of printer paper with a kind hand-written note from my roommates:

fuk u

The thing is, I was not surprised about this. I almost expect this kind of behavior now from my classy roommates. I am alright with what occurred. Next time I cook for the entire household I hope they really enjoy what I will make for them.

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14Sep/09Off

Classy Parenting “Yooper Style” Part 2

So, The Itis, Grundle, and Myself finally made our way to Copper Harbor (our boat to Isle Royale was to depart the next morning from here) to a very classy establishment known as the Copper Harbor Inn.  This place was a very classy establishment indeed - brown carpet, wooden paneling, paper-thin walls, and some of the best 70's decor that any hotel has to offer.

Upon trying to locate the main office to check in, we had some how managed to stumble in to the home of the owner's daughter and son-in-law (that's what we assumed, anyway).  Ah, what a nice cozy place this is, same amenities as the hotel rooms with just a bit more space for kids, their toys, a bike and a chain saw (yes, a chain saw).  Apparently I missed the memo on classy parenting that states every child should have a chain saw to play with in and outside of the house.  I mean c'mon, age five is the perfect time to learn how to cut down a tree, hedge a bush, or hack off a limb or two, right?

Like our "About" page says on this site, "All of the articles that you will read on this blog are all based on true events. Most of what is posted is hardly exaggerated, if at all. You could hardly make some of this crap up."  For those who still don't think the stuff on this site isn't real or is made up, see below:

Toy and a Chain Saw