Classy Lee How to be classy and stay classy

31Aug/09Off

Classy Lunch Conversation

It's important to be appreciative of the things other do for you. If another person is willing to put themselves out for you, Classy Lee recommends acknowledging the action. Take the following exchange, for example:

Shanna:
Thank you again for lunch.

Grundle:
You are quite welcome.
Thanks for letting me cum in/on you.

Shanna:
Classy.

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29Aug/09Off

A Classy (Yet Awfully Peculiar) Question

"Do you shit blood 6 times a day?"

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27Aug/09Off

Classy in Love

When choosing a partner, do not be superficial. Looks, intelligence, personality, money, compatibility, stability; these are things that you need not look for. Your #1 focus in a mate should solely be Classiness.

Finding a Classy partner is not always easy. The traits are hard to spot as some may consider the behavior as not-too-Kosher. Classy Lee recommends searching out the following:

1. Free Time – Quality time with your partner is important. Someone that cannot hold a regular job will have plenty of time to devote to you and your newly budded relationship.

2. Fun-Loving – Anyone that can combine alcohol, cocaine, and prescription medicines into a mind-numbing Blitzkrieg can surely find ways to keep you entertained.

3. Resourceful – Find someone that can go with the flow. Why pay to register your car when a simple screwdriver and a full parking lot can provide as many as you need. Be sure to take several and change them frequently. This will surely cut down on your jail time.

4. Criminal record – Find someone that is not afraid to “rock the boat”. Standing up to oppressive authorities will inspire generations of your inbred offspring. Hey, look at Gandhi.

Follow these simple guidelines and you too can share the Classiest of Classy relationships.

NOTE: Libraries and reputable places of business are not good to meet such Classy persons. We recommend the following:

Bars – Not the busy ones with lights on and stuff. Look for the ones in the city on corners that are boarded up and have cages over the doors and windows. Your mate will likely be milling around outside.

Parks – Not in the daytime. Go at night. Pay special attention to benches that seem to have a surplus of newspaper on them.

Gutters – Do I need to explain here?

Subways – Not on the train, but rather around the station. There are many nooks and crannies to hide in. Use the scent of old urine to help you to track them down.

Highway off-ramps – Easy. Just look for the person holding a squeegee.

Happy tail-hunting!

25Aug/09Off

Class Up Your Workout

One week away from vacation. Anticipation builds. A week backpacking on a beautiful remote island. What a great escape this will be.

Rest? No, I don't want to rest and take it easy before the long hike. Not classy.

Let's go to the gym. Don't want to get out of shape before the big trip.

Time to lift some weights. Pump some iron. Break a sweat. Feel the burn.

*SNAP*

There goes a ligament in my neck. How will I carry this 50 pound pack?

Classy.

Lesson: Don't try to bench press a Buick before an important trip that requires strenuous physical activity.

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23Aug/09Off

Classy Halloween

So you are going to a Halloween party, eh? Gonna dress up in a costume? Of course you are! It's the Classy thing to do after all. Question is what to go as. But you already know the answer. You need something that will not only look good, but will let the guests know that you are undoubtedly the Classiest person there.

Let's see what we have to work with:

  • You work in IT - That's useless.
  • You have a collection of shitty non-running vehicles - No help there.
  • Your roommates all think you are an idiot - Chicks don't dig that.
  • You are skilled in martial arts - Hmmm, that sound useful.
  • Your hair and clothes make you look like a Japanese anime character - BINGO!
  • You can dress up like a samurai. That will surely impress the ladies. Nothing says "stud" like a man in a dress.

Hmmm, some really good costumes here. Didn't expect that. Better get into character. No sense just looking the part when day-by-day you live it. You have skills, after all. You are The Ninja.

The Classy thing to do here to gain admirers would be to draw your polypropylene sword from its genuine Taiwanese made pleather sheath and run to the front of the room for all to take in your Classiness.

Oops, you normally wear pants. Forgot to hike up your skirt before the Dragon Charge. Ouch! That face plant looks painful. Teeth all good? Nose not bleeding? Excellent, time to save face. Groggily get back to your feet and amble carefully to the front of the room. Upon your arrival, be sure to leap into the air and do a complete back-flip. It will make everyone forget about tripping over your skirt and re-establish you as the Alpha-Classy.

Uh oh. That damn dress again. Landed on the hem did you? Fell square on your ass in front of anyone? Hmm. Pity. At this point you will notice a sharp pain. That would be the bruise to your pride. Fortunately for you, the up rise of guffaws will shroud you in a warm blanket of Classiness.

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21Aug/09Off

Privacy from Your Roommates the Classy Way

Roommates getting in the way? Need some privacy? Want the living room to yourself so you can watch some TV? Can't find a good solution for this dilemma?

This can be solved with a simple solution: Gas

Go to your local grocery store to pick up the following:

  1. Bag of grapes
  2. 3 cartons of blueberries
  3. Bananas
  4. Bag of carrots
  5. Bag of nectartines
  6. Carbonated fruit juice (Izze sparkling juice is good.)

It is important that you go to a store with a quality selection of fresh produce. Do not resort to that day old bruised shit you can find at Wal Mart or Meijer. You get what you pay for, and you need quality fruit for this.

Once you get home start chowing down on your tasty and healthy snacks. Do not eat it all. You don't want to make yourself sick, do you? Wash it all down with your tasty beverage. Give your system about 30 minutes to start working through your fruit and go and hang out with your roommates for a bit.

Guaranteed, you will clear out the room in no time. Think about it.

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20Aug/09Off

Keep Vegas Classy

The town of Las Vegas can be a lot of fun for the responsible adult. However, for the Classy adult, it can be an education in Classiness.

Upon departing your plane, Classy Lee recommends opening your trip with a couple of 32 oz beers prior to leaving the airport. Once you have arrived at the strip, make a bee-line directly to the cocktail kiosk outside of the Paris hotel. Be nice to the bartender. Become his friend while you ponder your order. Decide on the big plastic Eiffel Tower filled with daiquiri. As he is pouring the rum, keep him distracted with your witty (and Classy) banter. This will insure an excess of booze.

With your freshly prepared beverage, begin the long trip up the strip while you sip. Oh, don't forget to tip.

Upon reaching the north end of the blvd, it will undoubtedly be time for a sub-standard steak dinner at one of the restaurants surrounding Slots O Fun. Be sure to bring your drink into the restaurant. The long straw will allow you to set it on the bench in your booth and still be able to drink it.

As a daiquiri does not go with putrefied chuck shoulder, be sure to drink a couple of beers with your meal. By now, you may find yourself a bit tipsy. This is an excellent time to choose a Vegas show to take in. The best place to look? One of those free coupon books. In here you will find nothing but quality, Classy shows.

Oh my! Look at that! Free admission to the ONLY topless review before 10:00 PM on the strip. Well, you now know where to go. Don't forget your Eiffel Tower.

Once the show begins, order a couple of beers. (A) your daiquiri is beginning to get warm and spit filled. (B) you may need the empty bottles to defend yourself during the show. Why? Because you are going to call your girlfriend and fight with her all through the show. Be sure to yell into the phone. Otherwise, she may not hear you over the loud music and dialogue in the background. Ignore the threats and jibes of the other patrons. They just don't understand Classiness. And speaking of Classy, those are men / drag-queens with breast implants on stage. How does that boner feel now?

Upon your unexpected departure from the show sans closure, you may find that you are parched. Yes, you have your Eiffel Tower, but some ice cold, fresh brewed barley and hops is what you really need in that hot sun. Grab a couple of bottles of Dos Equis for your journey. Tuck the tower under your arm, put the straw in your mouth, and a beer in each hand. You can now drink at will and will remain properly hydrated in these arid conditions.

Oh boy. Headache setting in. Yup, if you are from the Mid-west and have an allergy to beer, your head is probably trying to cave in upon itself. Probably best to head back to your hotel room to get your pills. However, if your sidekick is as Classy as you, he has probably already found a solution. Valium. Yes Valium. It won't relieve your headache but, it will:
Mike: "Take the edge off"
Grundle: "Hell no. I don't want to fall asleep."
Mike: "Don't worry. They are only 10mg pills."
Grundle: "Really? Fuck it. Gimme two."

Uh oh. Nothing to drink to swallow the pills. Better get another beer.

At this point, your other friends are looking for you. They call. They are at the Mandalay Bay. What luck! You are at the Excalibur. There is a train that runs between. Just gotta find the station. Better move swiftly, things are getting foggy.

NOTE: The rest of this Classy event had to be pieced together from photos and eye-witness accounts.

Sure your friends are waiting for you but, when are you gonna be here again? Take turns climbing the statues in the hotel and humping their faces. Be sure to take lots of pictures or as they will later be known "Exhibit A". Eventually a group of large men adorning earpiece style communication devices will come to remove you from the premises. They will be more than happy to show you the train station.

Once on-board the train, DO NOT turn your back on the door. It is an elusive creature and you will have difficulty in your current state locating it again. Fortunately, your friends know you are on the train and go looking for you at the Mandalay train stop. Unfortunately, they waited 3 hours to go looking. Fortunately, you never found that door and they come to rescue you from your three-hour tour of the tracks between the two hotels.

Wow. Pretty thirsty now. Good thing you bought that beer outside the Excalibur to take your pills. Ugh. It's warm. Better dispose of it. The Classy thing to do is pour it on an elderly couple. That is precisely the "Welcome to fabulous Las Vegas" they were looking for.

Now would be a good time for you and your sidekick to split up. You will be able to cover more ground alone. Although, you may be tired at this point. Find your way to someone's hotel room. No one specific, anyone will do. remove all of your clothing. Climb into his/her bed. Sleep off your bender while you foam at the mouth. Surely your friends will eventually come to find you. BTW, it's only 8:00 PM

Viva Class Vegas!

Classy side note: You can obtain an extra high level of Classiness if you blow off your wife's college graduation to go on the fore-mentioned bender.  She will completely understand. After all, you married her for incredible tolerance level of all things that are Classy.

19Aug/09Off

Class Up Your Neighborhood

Often a new neighbor will move into your area. It is always nice to be cordial and welcome said newcomer to the area. The Classiest way to do this is to involve all members of your family.

Perhaps you live alone. Not a problem. Got a dog? Perfect! Your new friends will most assuredly want to meet him/her as well as yourself.

It is best to not be too pushy. Perhaps you take the dog for a casual walk and you bump into your new neighbor.

Didn't see em, eh? Well, perhaps milling around the front walk of their residence will help. They may see you through the window and come out to greet you.

Still nothing? Hmm. Perhaps a welcome gift is in order. Have your dog do his business in the middle of the walk. It costs nothing, and it will let your new pals know that they have officially relocated to Classytown.

Nothing says "Welcome neighborinos!" better than a steaming pile of fresh shit on the walkway.

Poo1

PS.

If my neighbors are reading this, thanks a lot you arrogant bastards. I will most likely reciprocate the gesture. However, since I don’t have a dog, I will have to step up to the plate myself. And since you live above me and have no lawn, I will be reduced to taking my walk by way of your mailbox. I’ll be sure to put the flag up.

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18Aug/09Off

Classy Revenge

Who was it that said, "Revenge is a dish best served cold,"?  Well, some people don't like cold dishes or the cold period, so how else could revenge best be served up?  A touch of class, perhaps?  Yes, we at Classy Lee definitely think so!

Even the classiest individuals can find themselves victim to a practical joke of some sort, including the writers of ClassyLee.com.  Here is one such story:

One night after a long twelve hour shift at work, I was looking forward to getting into my car, heading off to the bar, getting drunk, and god only knows what else.  Upon approaching my car, I found that someone took the liberty of "decorating" my car with the following:

Cheap Shaving Cream - The shit at the store that comes in the generic can that costs less than a $1 for 16oz.
E.L Fudge Sandwich Cookies - Perfect dunking in an icy glass of milk, or for taking apart and sticking to both sides of someones car windows.
Toilet Paper - The good ole' prank staple, best used on devil's night for throwing in people's houses and trees.

While this was definitely a classy car job, it was not classy enough to meet my standards of class.  I promptly got on the phone, interrogated a few people, bought a pizza, and found out who "decorated" my car.  Now the question is, what's the best way to class-up my revenge?  After a moment of pondering and looking around my car I realized that I had a few items perfectly suited for the job.

One pint of transmission fluid - Perfect to have around if  you have a classy car that may have a leaky transmission pan.
One square of Buddy's Pizza - Oh so delicious, topped with pepperoni, ham, red pepper, garlic, and oregano.

With tools in hand, a plan, and an address I began my plight for revenge.  Upon arrival, it was 2:30am and everyone was asleep in the house which made it easy to sneak in to the back yard where a car was parked.  I decided that the car looked a bit "hungry" and decided to feed it the pizza. I really should have brought a bib for the car as it looked like the pizza sauce really could get all over the place.  I decided that maybe I should wash the car with transmission fluid after. I mean come on, that nice shiny dark red coating leaves it looking pretty nice in the moonlight.  Too bad the shininess fades away during the day. Oh well, it looked pretty nice at that point in time, so that was good enough for me.  After giving the car it's "bath", I stood back, admired how much classier this car looked, and then got the hell outta there.

Next morning, much to my surprise (not really) got a phone call "complimenting" me about how classy my assailant's car looked and how they were envious that they couldn't have made my car that classy especially with that whole transmission fluid and sunlight fading the paint thing.

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17Aug/09Off

Classy Gardening

Grundle:
My son's fish died.

Jill:
oh no

Grundle:
That garden is getting full of corpses.

Jill:
Lol

Grundle:
2 cats and 2 fish.

Grundle:
Oh and one hooker.

Jill:
She should have listened to you.

Grundle:
Well, to be fair, her ears were full of blood after I hit her in the head with that shovel.

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